She runs out. Arlene runs to the door, shoves Ray out of the way.
ARLENE
(yells after Dorothy)
NO HALL PASS!!!
RAY
(eases into room, indicates
food)
What’s this?
ARLENE
This is...these are...refreshments.
RAY
For me?
ARLENE
For us.
RAY
Oh.
(long beat)
Nice.
(another beat)
Will we be...enjoying the refreshments...before or after you tell me the important information?
ARLENE
No. No. The refreshments have nothing to do with the important information. The refreshments are to help you...relax. I know you’ve had a hard day.
RAY
Well...it was a day. A regular day, you know.
ARLENE
Well...
RAY
I did get that...bad news from...about my wife’s...
ARLENE
(carefully)
Ex-wife’s...
RAY
(beat)
So that was...news, but...I’m okay. I told you.
(beat)
Thanks, though. This is...nice.
ARLENE
So sit down.
RAY
(starts to, holds up)
So I’m sitting down...for the important information.
(sits)
ARLENE
(beat)
Well...I think...maybe...maybe it won’t be the kind of important information you were expecting.
RAY
I wasn’t expecting any important information.
ARLENE
Well, that’s good, because I’m concerned that the...important information...I have to give you...won’t be...all that important to you.
RAY
O...kay...so...what...?
ARLENE
Let’s just...sit a bit.
RAY
Sit.
ARLENE
Sit.
RAY
Okay.
ARLENE
(sits, beat)
Coffee?
RAY
In a bit. Maybe.
ARLENE
It’s the way you like it.
RAY
Ah....
(long beat)
Something to look...forward...to.
ARLENE
(long beat)
Red Sox on tonight?
RAY
On?
ARLENE
TV.
RAY
Uh...no. No. Wait...Friday. Maybe. I don’t know.
ARLENE
They’re having a good season.
RAY
First time in years. New manager.
ARLENE
Yeah.
RAY
Yeah.
ARLENE
That guy? The Polish guy? Wazz? Kazz? Mazz?
RAY
Yaz. Yastrzemski.
ARLENE
He’s good.
RAY
He is good.
ARLENE
(beat)
Damn good.
RAY
Arlene?
ARLENE
Yes?
RAY
The important information?
(beat)
Arlene?
(beat)
You wanna tell me...
ARLENE
Have you ever seen THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN?
RAY
What, the movie?
ARLENE
The movie, yes.
RAY
I’ve seen a lot of FRANKENSTEINS, I’m sure I’ve seen that one.
ARLENE
Do you remember...do you remember what they were trying to do in that movie?
RAY
Jeez, I don’t know...BRIDE OF...probably trying to marry him off.
ARLENE
Well, sort of.
RAY
This has something to do with the important information?
ARLENE
Well, sort of.
RAY
Okay.
ARLENE
See, what they wanted to do...was...they wanted to open him up...the guy... the Boris Karloff guy...wanted to...you know...prompt him...to display more of his...human qualities.
RAY
Instead of going around maiming and murdering the villagers with the pitch forks. Yeah. Good idea. So?
ARLENE
So...what they did was...they went out...and put together...someone for him to...to hang out with.
RAY
Put together.
ARLENE
Well, with this guy, you know...you couldn’t go out and just...find a girl at the sock hop...He had some special needs.
RAY
(illustrates)
Yes, the...the rivets in the neck...stuff like that...
ARLENE
Yes! So they had to...create somebody...a girl...like him. Somebody who would...know what it’s like to be him. Somebody...even with all the issues he had...somebody he could be...comfortable with.
RAY
(beat)
O...kay, I’m kinda losing you here. The important information...
ARLENE
(her head in her hands)
Jesus...
RAY
Arlene?
ARLENE
Jesus...
RAY
What?
ARLENE
(stands and explodes)
I am the important information! The important information is me! The important information you are not expecting is me!
RAY
Oh, Jeez, you’re not sick or anything, are you...?
ARLENE
(not really listening,
animated)
Although, you know, for Christ’s sake, how could you not know that it was me? That I was what’s important about this? How could you not figure that out? Am I too subtle? Should I come on a lot stronger? I know that wouldn’t work because coming on stronger would just scare the crap out of you. I know that! I know that about you! Because I know everything there is to know about you! You think I took on this non-paying job as your band secretary because I enjoy sitting in on those rehearsals every Monday night? Don’t you notice my ears start bleeding along about the fourth run-through of the Lichensteiner Polka?
(beat)
Say something!
RAY
(a bit frightened;
indicates coffee cup)
Is this one mine?
ARLENE
Yeah. Light with one sugar.
RAY
Oh! Yeah! That’s the way I...
ARLENE
I KNOW that’s the way you! I know that, Ray! You see what I’m driving at here?
RAY
Yes.
ARLENE
You do?
RAY
Yes.
ARLENE
Oh.
RAY
I almost lost you there with the FRANKENSTEIN thing...
ARLENE
Well, I needed an opening. Best I could do.
RAY
Sure.
ARLENE
So.
(beat)
I’m sorry I yelled.
RAY
That’s okay.
ARLENE
So...
RAY
So...
ARLENE
So what are you gonna do about it?
RAY
About what?
ARLENE
About you know what I’m driving at. What are you gonna do about it?
Ray says nothing, stands up, moves away from Arlene. There is a very uncomfortable moment.
ARLENE (CONT’D)
There’s cookies too.
RAY
(after another beat)
I can’t.
ARLENE
You can’t what?
RAY
Come on...
ARLENE
Why can’t you?
RAY
Because I know where you probably want it to go, and I can’t.
ARLENE
You know where I want it to go? You wanna know where I want it to go? I want it to go to the movies. I want it to go out to dinner. I want it to come over to my house and watch the Dick Van Dyke Show reruns so I don’t have to sit there and laugh at Buddy and Sally all by myself.
RAY
We do that...
ARLENE
We don’t do that, Ray! We’ve done that. Doing implies a continuation. We don’t continue. We have done each of those things once. Once! But we don’t do things more than once. For some reason you think that if you...do something with me more than once that that’s gonna make me your girlfriend. So when we do something it has to be something we haven’t done before. Well, I want to do things more than once, Ray. And I want to do them with you. So whatyda say?
RAY
I said it. I can’t.
ARLENE
(beat)
It’s not going to happen, Ray.
(no response)
You haven’t seen her or spoken to her in over twenty years. I have not presumed to invade that particular...cocoon of yours. But she wasn’t here for you then and she’s not going to be here for you now.
RAY
That’s not...
ARLENE
And I am. And I brought you cookies. And coffee.
(steps towards him, takes
out bill)
And I got five bucks here for ya, if that makes a difference.
RAY
I don’t know what you want me to say.
ARLENE
I want you to say...”Arlene, would you like to go to the Chelmsford Cinema with me tomorrow night to see
CAMELOT.”
RAY
CAMELOT.
ARLENE
We could see IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT but I don’t want to get pushy.
RAY
(takes a long beat, then
calmly proceeds)
Okay. Say we do that.
ARLENE
CAMELOT?
RAY
CAMELOT.
ARLENE
(beat)
Okay. Say we do.
RAY
Say we do. Do we go to dinner before the show?
ARLENE
We could. It would be nice. We should eat. I hear it’s a long movie.
RAY
Okay. We go to dinner. We see the movie.
ARLENE
I’m with you so far.
RAY
The movie’s over.
ARLENE
Okay.
RAY
Then what happens?
ARLENE
(beat)
You bring me home. I bring you home. Whatever applies. Whoever drives brings the other guy home.
RAY
(beat)
Okay.
