She’s Fabulous
In the black, we hear polite THEATRE APPLAUSE.
LIGHTS UP dimly on CLARICE and BETHEL, in theatre seats, applauding politely. Both ladies are perhaps in their mid-fifties, tastefully dressed and accoutred for the theatre.
The LIGHTS rise fully. Each lady takes her theatre playbill, opens it, and reads. This goes on for a reasonably uncomfortable amount of time. Finally, without looking up from the playbill, Clarice speaks.
CLARICE
Well, she’s fabulous.
BETHEL
(instantly, face still in playbill)
She is.
Another longish beat of playbill reading. Again, when they speak, the ladies’ faces remain in the playbill.
CLARICE
The nuance. The poise.
BETHEL
The subtlety. The humor.
CLARICE
Everything. It’s there.
BETHEL
Organic.
CLARICE
Yes. It’s organic. From the gut.
BETHEL
Exactly. From the gut. It’s as if she has lived her life in the gut. Of the character.
CLARICE
Astonishing.
BETHEL
Awesome.
(beat)
In the unabused sense of the word.
CLARICE
It’s not her out there.
BETHEL
No, it’s not.
(beat)
In other shows, it’s her out there.
CLARICE
She’s always her out there.
BETHEL
Always.
(beat)
I’m never me. Out there.
CLARICE
You’re not.
BETHEL
You’re never you.
CLARICE
I try not to be.
BETHEL
(beat)
But she’s always her. Out there.
CLARICE
Always.
(beat)
Except tonight.
BETHEL
(almost simultaneously)
Except tonight.
(beat)
Awesome.
CLARICE
In the unabused sense.
BETHEL
Exactly.
More playbill reading. They have yet to take their faces from the playbill since the lights came up.
CLARICE
And the growth! The growth of the character from lights up to intermission!
BETHEL
Awesome.
(longer than usual beat)
Awesome growth.
The longest playbill read yet. Finally, Bethel closes her playbill and slaps it into her lap.
BETHEL
She should get a growth!
CLARICE
(also stops reading, slaps playbill to lap)
A big growth! Painful! Large growth.
BETHEL
This is criminal!
CLARICE
(points towards “stage”)
That is MY part!
BETHEL
That is YOUR part!
CLARICE
Or your part.
BETHEL
Or my part.
CLARICE
So it’s not just me.
BETHEL
It’s not just you.
CLARICE
She’s embarrassing, isn’t she?
BETHEL
She’s embarrassing. You look up embarrassing in the dictionary, there’s no definition. Just her headshot.
CLARICE
The one with the blackhead!
BETHEL
She says it’s a flaw in the negative.
CLARICE
It’s a blackhead!
BETHEL
Of course it’s a blackhead!
They both instantly and energetically go back to the playbill. After a moment, Clarice slams the playbill shut again.
CLARICE
I prepared for that audition! I told you! I prepared!
BETHEL
You prepared! You’re a preparer! Everybody knows that!
CLARICE
And you! You prepared!
BETHEL
Of course I prepared! You think I didn’t prepare? I went to the cemetery. I took the script. I ordered it from Samuel French. I memorized that scene standing at a gravestone! “Forgive me, Willy, I can’t cry!” At a gravestone, I learned it! By heart!
CLARICE
In February!
BETHEL
At the grave of a perfect stranger! Jasper Hillenbrandt, 1919 to 1981. And his loving wife Joyce. Not dead yet, apparently. I picked him because the stone came up to my waist. Someplace to put the script. Freed up my hands. For expression.
CLARICE
(rhapsodically)
Oh! When you express...!
(couple of hand gestures)
BETHEL
Nobody prepares like me! Tell me somebody who prepares like me!
CLARICE
Nobody prepares like you!
BETHEL
You prepare like me!
CLARICE
Except me. I prepare like you.
BETHEL
You prepared for that audition!
CLARICE
Of course I prepared!
BETHEL
Of course you did! Like me! I went to that cemetery!
CLARICE
I slept with that salesman!
BETHEL
Research!
CLARICE
Preparation!
BETHEL
That bitch!
Both vehemently back to the playbill. Another moment. Pages are flipped, though there’s very little reading being done now. Clarice slaps the playbill to her lap.
CLARICE
The thing of it is...
BETHEL
(playbill down)
What is the thing of it?
CLARICE
The thing of it is...the preparing. What’s the point?
BETHEL
I see your point.
CLARICE
Did she prepare?
BETHEL
She never prepares.
CLARICE
Did she get the part?
BETHEL
She got the part.
CLARICE
She didn’t prepare. She got the part. We DID prepare...
BETHEL
We don’t even get comps.
Silence. No playbill reading this time. Just contemplation.
CLARICE
So...what do we say?
BETHEL
When?
CLARICE
Backstage. When it’s over. We have to say something.
BETHEL
We say...congratulations.
CLARICE
Congratulations?
BETHEL
Congratulations. It’s a very safe word to say after a show. You say it, she thinks you’re saying congratulations on your performance. What you think to yourself is congratulations you got us to come see you in this piece of shit.
CLARICE
Will it work?
BETHEL
It always works.
CLARICE
(long beat; thinking)
Huh.
BETHEL
What huh?
CLARICE
Congratulations. That’s what you said to me after LOST IN YONKERS.
BETHEL
Oh.
(to playbill)
Did I?
CLARICE
You didn’t like me in LOST IN YONKERS?
BETHEL
Everybody liked you in LOST IN YONKERS.
CLARICE
Are you everybody?
BETHEL
Am I ever everybody?
CLARICE
(beat)
Oh. Oh, I get it. You wanted that part.
BETHEL
Why would I want that part? I’m way too young for that part.
CLARICE
And I’m not?
BETHEL
Apparently not.
CLARICE
I worked my butt off playing that part.
BETHEL
Yes. Yes, you did.
CLARICE
What do you mean, yes, yes, I did?
BETHEL
You worked your butt off playing that part.
CLARICE
You saw the work? You’re not supposed to see the work.
BETHEL
I saw the work. Forgive me.
CLARICE
You really saw it? You saw the work?
BETHEL
I did.
CLARICE
Seriously. You saw the work.
BETHEL
You were a thespian jackhammer out there.
CLARICE
And you could do better, I suppose.
BETHEL
Better? Who’s to say? It’s such a subjective thing with acting, isn’t it. Better. Who’s to judge who is better when playing a role. An actor makes a choice. Another actor makes another choice. Better? Who’s to say? Now--would I have done it differently? Of course.
CLARICE
Differently?
BETHEL
Differently.
CLARICE
You would have been different playing that part?
BETHEL
Yes. I would have been different playing that part.
CLARICE
How? How would you have been different?
BETHEL
(beat)
I would have been better.
CLARICE
(anger building)
There is nothing you would have done different or better or anything else from me in that...
BETHEL
(stops her)
What are we arguing? We have vitriol. We should waste it on each other?
CLARICE
Probably not.
BETHEL
No! We have vitriol! We should aim it in the right direction!
CLARICE
At the bitch with the blackhead!
BOTH
RIGHT!
They go back to reading the playbills. As they do, the theatre lights blink, indicating the intermission is nearing its end.
CLARICE
Uh oh. Fasten your seat belts. Here comes the second act.
BETHEL
Maybe if we’re lucky, Willy gets in the car early and runs her down in the driveway.
They both chuckle playfully. They shush each other as the lights continue to dim. After a moment, they both put down their playbills and sigh wistfully.
BETHEL
It’s a beautiful part.
CLARICE
It is. It is.
BETHEL
She’s so lucky.
CLARICE
Yep.
BETHEL
(beat)
We’ll tell her that. That’s what we’ll tell her.
CLARICE
What?
BETHEL
After the show. We’ll tell her that it’s a beautiful part. That’s she’s so lucky to be playing it.
CLARICE
We don’t do congratulations?
BETHEL
No.
CLARICE
(beat)
No.
(beat)
She’s better than congratulations.
BETHEL
She is.
CLARICE
(longer beat)
She’s fabulous, isn’t she?
BETHEL
She is.
CLARICE
(beat)
Shit.
BETHEL
Yes.
(beat)
Shit.
CLARICE
(longer beat; light bulb)
Hey! We’re not dead!
BETHEL
No, we’re not.
CLARICE
Somebody else will do it.
BETHEL
Another theatre. Another time.
CLARICE
We’ll audition.
BETHEL
We will.
The lights begin to dim. They settle in for the second act. Clarice takes Bethel’s hand, squeezes it, and smiles.
CLARICE
We’ll be fabulous!
Bethel squeezes back. They both smile. The lights fade to black.
THE END