THE BIG APPLE
In the black, we hear the sound of
APPLAUSE and CHEERING from inside a
theatre. Also, we hear the cries of
"Author! Author!" from the unseen
audience. Slowly, as each VOICE is
heard, we see that we are inside Bob's
brain. Each voice is accompanied by a
light, sharp or drawn out depending on
each speech. BOB is in his mid
thirties. He's a reasonably decent
looking guy if your requirements aren't
lofty. His brain is a kind of
clubhouse which stores all the
essential stuff of Bob's life. While
everything in the brain is neatly-kept,
there isn't a great deal of order to
the place. There are baseball gloves
and movie posters, stacks of
paperbacks, photos of various family
members and friends. Two or three
televisions from preceding eras. Ditto
a few VCRs. A full-fledged computer,
very new. An old stereo. Lots of
baseball caps and a couple of Red Sox
souvenir pennants. There are also some
specific items mentioned during the
course of the play. The only
difference between Bob's brain and what
his apartment must look like is that,
while there are nooks and crannies
which allow entrances and exits, still,
there seems to be no door into or out
of Bob's brain.
Oh, by the way, there is a very
visible, extraordinary-looking chest
situated in a very secure portion of
the brain.
Bob is in his brain, where he always
seems to be, listening intently, and
occasionally responding, to the VOICES.
1 VOICE (MAN)
Now, that, is what I call a play!
2 VOICE (WOMAN)
It's wonderful! My cheeks hurt from smiling so much!
3 VOICE (MAN)
Bob wrote that? Our Bob?
4 VOICE (WOMAN)
I can't believe it! It's so good!
3 VOICE (MAN)
Well, you know what he has to do.
1 VOICE (MAN)
All right. I'll say it. That is the funniest play I've ever
seen.
3 VOICE (MAN)
You know what you have to do.
BOB
I know what I have to do.
1 VOICE (MAN)
And I saw DEATH OF A SALESMAN. Twice.
2 VOICE (WOMAN)
Listen to what I'm telling you. You should put this play on
Broadway.
BOB
Good idea.
4 VOICE (WOMAN)
And you're so quiet all the time! Why didn't you tell us you
could write like this?
2 VOICE (WOMAN)
And it's such a great title! AULD LANG SYNE!
1 VOICE (MAN)
I'm serious now--that's the best title...for a play...that
I've ever heard.
4 VOICE (WOMAN)
It's so...cheery!
1 VOICE (MAN)
And I've seen DEATH OF A SALESMAN.
3 VOICE (MAN)
Way to go, Bob!
1 VOICE (MAN)
Twice.
2 VOICE (WOMAN)
Bring it to New York.
BOB
You think?
2-VOICE (WOMAN)
You love New York!
1-VOICE (MAN)
The Durante quote? Remember? The Jimmy Durante quote?
2-VOICE (WOMAN)
Bob loves New York!
3 VOICE (MAN)
Get it to The Apple!
BOB
Jeez, I'd like to, but...
4 VOICE (WOMAN)
You're "The Catholic Woody Allen!" It said so in the paper!
1 VOICE (MAN)
I read that.
BOB
Well...
1 VOICE (MAN)
Twice.
3 VOICE (MAN)
The Apple.
2 VOICE (WOMAN)
The Big Apple.
4 VOICE (WOMAN)
New York!
2 VOICE (WOMAN)
The town so nice, they named it...
1 VOICE (MAN)
Twice!
BOB
(simultaneously)
Twice, I know, I know...
All the voices now talk at once, each
encouraging Bob to bring his play to
New York. Finally, Bob stops them.
BOB (cont'd)
All right! All right!
(he is holding his script; he
addresses the audience)
I'm thinking...of taking my play...to New York.
LIGHTS UP FULL. Seemingly out of
nowhere appears THE BIG APPLE. He is
the human manifestation of New York
City. Enough said.
APPLE
(grabs script)
Gimme that!
BOB
Hey, what are you doing?
APPLE
Look, right from the start, from the get-go, let's not yank
each other's chains, all right sweetheart? You know what I'm
doing. If you didn't know what I was doing, I wouldn't be
here.
BOB
Wait a minute...the only way you could be here...
APPLE
(riffling pages)
Yes?
BOB
Is if I conjured you up. Brought you into my brain.
APPLE
(feeling weight of script)
Correctamente! Good Christ, what is this? BEN-HUR?
BOB
But I wasn't thinking of...you.
APPLE
You'll have to cut. 85 minutes, tops, these days a show
should run, unless you got kick lines, homosexuals or God
Help Us Lloyd Webber.
BOB
I was thinking of New York.
APPLE
Listen, you got any Maalox in here?
BOB
With respect to my play.
APPLE
First of all, eliminate in this brain of yours the notion of
ever again using the words New York, respect, and your play
in the same sentence.
BOB
Who are you?
APPLE
(gives script back to Bob)
Hold this. I got heartburn like a colony of red ants is
farting in unison in my gastric tract. Let me introduce
myself. I am The Big Apple.