SANDBAG, STAGE LEFT (OR, ONE DEAD DOLLY)
BY JOHN ANTHONY
The scene is the courtroom of Superior
Court of Mill City, Massachusetts.
(Throughout the course of the play, Mr.
Anthony has placed in italics topical
references and the like which may be
altered by the director to suit the
tenor of the day's news. Also in
italics are optional stage directions.)
At rise, the court session is ready to
open. Theme music plays (some lawyer
based recognizable TV show theme will
do). The BAILIFF enters and, one by
one, the WITNESSES, who will be
identified later when they testify,
enter the courtroom and are escorted by
the Bailiff through an exit to their
waiting room. The Judge has not made
his appearance. The Prosecution and
Defense enter after the Witnesses. and
move to their respective tables.
Presently, the PRISON GUARD, whose name
is Barry but who will hereafter be
referred to as the Prison Guard, brings
in ARNOLD MEDDLE, who is an essentially
nondescript man in his mid-forties. The
Bailiff now rises, and speaks sharply.
BAILIFF
All rise!
All rise quickly for the Bailiff spoke
very sharply. JUDGE ROY L. BEEN enters
in his robes and mounts the steps
leading to his chair behind the bench.
The Bailiff then speaks again.
BAILIFF (cont'd)
(continued)
Superior Court Number Eleven of the Commonwealth of
Massachusetts. The Honorable Judge Roy L. Been presiding.
JUDGE
(sits; sharply, to Bailiff)
That's "Been," My name is prounounced "Been" as in "pin,"
not "Been" as in "bean."
BAILIFF
Sorry Judge. Thought I'd kick things off with a little
humor.
JUDGE
Well, knock it off!
BAILIFF
Yes, Judge.
JUDGE
(clears throat)
The people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Arnold
Meddle.
CLING
(a woman)
Ready, your Honor.
JUDGE
Ready for what, Ms. Cling?
CLING
Ready to proceed, your Honor.
JUDGE
Did I ask you?
CLING
No, your Honor.
JUDGE
Then you're not ready.
CLING
Yes, your Honor.
JUDGE
Mr. Static, are you ready?
STATIC
(a man)
Yes, your Honor! The Defense is ready. I have no idea why
the Prosecution isn't ready.
CLING
(to Static)
She told me I wasn't ready.
STATIC
Well, I'm ready.
CLING
Suck-up.
STATIC
Toady.
CLING
Brown Nose.
STATIC
Wuss.
JUDGE
Counsel! That is enough! BAILIFF...DRAW THE JURY!
BAILIFF
Draw?....Well, you see, I'm not really artistically inclined,
and I think it would be better...
JUDGE
Choose! Choose! Draw the jury means choose the jury!
BAILIFF
Oh. I thought we already drew the jury.
JUDGE
We did. But I dismissed them all.
CLING
May we ask why, your Honor?
JUDGE
You may.
CLING
Why, your Honor?
JUDGE
Why what?
CLING
Why have you dismissed all the drawn jurors? It took us so
long to draw them.
JUDGE
I caught them all in Denny's this morning signing book deals.
STATIC
I commend your Honor's honor for stemming the onslaught of
these unscrupulous literary agents.
JUDGE
Onslaught stemming had nothing to do with it. I was upset
because nobody invited me to Denny's. DRAW ME ANOTHER JURY!
The Bailiff moves into the audience and
chooses twelve people who w