MARGARET
Well, he is a little funny looking.
JASON
I got one!
WARREN
You got one? You got an ugly joke?
JASON
I'm so ugly...
WARREN
Yes?
JASON
I'm so ugly...when I...wake up in the morning, I can't get
back to sleep!
(of course, nobody laughs)
WARREN
Well, I'll be...
(beat)
He's stupid too!
(all laugh loudly)
LARRY
And to top it all off...
WARREN
What's that?
LARRY
To top it all off...he's so stupid...he doesn't even know
he's ugly!!!
This gets the biggest laugh of all.
Margaret gathers her ducklings and
Jason, while the rest of the partygoers
converge and mingle.
MARGARET
(gathers kids)
Oh, that's enough laughing for one night! Too much laughing
gives you a tummy ache. That's a proven medical fact! Come
children, it's time for bed!
JASON
But, Mom...everybody is having such a good time! I mean,
isn't it great to have all this laughing?
MARGARET
Sometimes laughing is just a shield, dear.
JASON
A shield?
MARGARET
Sometimes laughing is just covering up for sadness.
JASON
You mean...everybody here is really sad?
MARGARET
Come to bed, Eugene.
JASON
Are they sad because of me? Because I'm stupid and ugly?
MARGARET
Come.
(stops; finds index card)
Oh...this belongs to you.
(gives Jason the card)
JASON
What is it?
MARGARET
It tells you what your job in life is. It tells you what you
are expected to contribute to the barnyard.
JASON
(reads it)
Well...okay!
MARGARET
I'm sorry, dear. I just don't think you can do it. Not the
way you look. Not the way you...act. Come to bed.
(she starts off; Jason follows
her)
WARREN
Hold on, there, big fella! Where do you think you're goin'?
JASON
Well...Mom just said it was time for bed.
WARREN
Hmm. Well, now, Bella, far be it from me to stick my beak in
where it don't belong, but...you think it's smart to let this
boy, here, bunk down with your bunch of little cuties, there?
CYNTHIA
Destry is right, Bella. He could be a bad influence on them.
MARGARET
Bad influence?
WARREN
Why, sure! Say one of them sweetie pies gets a hankerin' for
a drink of water in the middle of the night, opens his eyes,
sees Frankenstein, here. Could give the little one a scare
that ain't never gonna be forgit!
MARGARET
Well, I don't think...
CYNTHIA
Not to mention the psychological implications...
WARREN
Absolutely! Not to mention them...psycho...whatever things,
there! Tell her, Apple Ears.
CYNTHIA
Why, since the little ones already know he's their brother,
the longer they're exposed to him, the more likely it is they
think they're going to grow up to be like him! My goodness,
their little self-esteems could be irreparably damaged!
WARREN
(nodding)
Reparably, there...what she said!
LARRY
Better pay heed, Bella! Destry and Dulcinea are very
successful ducks. They know what they're talkin' about!
OZZIE
Might be a good idea to find him someplace else to live,
Bella. Just in case.
MARGARET
(beat)
No. Eugene is my son. He will live with us. He will stay
with his brothers and sisters. Come, children. Come,
Eugene.
JASON
Uh...okay, Mom. I'll be there in a minute. Just wanna catch
a breath of fresh air first.
MARGARET
All right. I'll see you inside. Children! Follow me! And
walk exactly as I do!
Margaret leads the kids offstage to
some waddling music. Before she exits,
she makes sure they are all waddling
the exact way she does. They leave.
Warren, Cynthia, Larry and Ozzie huddle
together and watch.
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