This is the opening segment of a courtroom parody entitled SANDBAG, STAGE LEFT.
If you were to cast the Marx Brothers or Abbott and Costello in this play,
you'd be on the right track.

            SANDBAG, STAGE LEFT (OR, ONE DEAD DOLLY)

            BY JOHN ANTHONY

                                   The scene is the courtroom of Superior
                                   Court of Mill City, Massachusetts. 

                                   (Throughout the course of the play, Mr.
                                   Anthony has placed in italics topical
                                   references and the like which may be
                                   altered by the director to suit the
                                   tenor of the day's news.  Also in
                                   italics are optional stage directions.) 

                                   At rise, the court session is ready to
                                   open. Theme music plays (some lawyer
                                   based recognizable TV show theme will
                                   do). The BAILIFF enters and, one by
                                   one, the 	WITNESSES, who will be
                                   identified later when they testify,
                                   enter the courtroom and are escorted by
                                   the Bailiff through an exit to their
                                   waiting room.  The Judge has not made
                                   his appearance. The Prosecution and
                                   Defense enter after the Witnesses. and
                                   move to their respective tables.
                                   Presently, the PRISON GUARD, whose name
                                   is Barry but who will hereafter be
                                   referred to as the Prison Guard, brings
                                   in ARNOLD MEDDLE, who is an essentially
                                   nondescript man in his mid-forties. The
                                   Bailiff now rises, and speaks sharply.

                                   BAILIFF
            All rise!

                                   All rise quickly for the Bailiff spoke
                                   very sharply.  JUDGE ROY L. BEEN enters
                                   in his robes and mounts the steps
                                   leading to his chair behind the bench. 
                                   The Bailiff then speaks again. 

                                   BAILIFF (cont'd)
                          (continued)
            Superior Court Number Eleven of the Commonwealth of
            Massachusetts.  The Honorable Judge Roy L. Been presiding.

                                   JUDGE
                          (sits; sharply, to Bailiff)
            That's "Been,"  My name is prounounced "Been" as in "pin,"
            not "Been" as in "bean."

                                   BAILIFF
            Sorry Judge.  Thought I'd kick things off with a little
            humor.

                                   JUDGE
            Well, knock it off!

                                   BAILIFF
            Yes, Judge.

                                   JUDGE
                          (clears throat)
            The people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus Arnold
            Meddle.

                                   CLING
                          (a woman)
            Ready, your Honor.

                                   JUDGE
            Ready for what, Ms. Cling?

                                   CLING
            Ready to proceed, your Honor.

                                   JUDGE
            Did I ask you?

                                   CLING
            No, your Honor.

                                   JUDGE
            Then you're not ready.

                                   CLING
            Yes, your Honor.

                                   JUDGE
            Mr. Static, are you ready?

                                   STATIC
                          (a man)
            Yes, your Honor!  The Defense is ready.  I have no idea why
            the Prosecution isn't ready.

                                   CLING
                          (to Static)
            She told me I wasn't ready.

                                   STATIC
            Well, I'm ready.

                                   CLING
            Suck-up.

                                   STATIC
            Toady.

                                   CLING
            Brown Nose.

                                   STATIC
            Wuss.

                                   JUDGE
            Counsel!  That is enough!  BAILIFF...DRAW THE JURY!

                                   BAILIFF
            Draw?....Well, you see, I'm not really artistically inclined,
            and I think it would be better...

                                   JUDGE
            Choose!  Choose!  Draw the jury means choose the jury!

                                   BAILIFF
            Oh.  I thought we already drew the jury.

                                   JUDGE
            We did.  But I dismissed them all.

                                   CLING
            May we ask why, your Honor?

                                   JUDGE
            You may.

                                   CLING
            Why, your Honor?

                                   JUDGE
            Why what?

                                   CLING
            Why have you dismissed all the drawn jurors?  It took us so
            long to draw them.

                                   JUDGE
            I caught them all in Denny's this morning signing book deals. 

                                   STATIC
            I commend your Honor's honor for stemming the onslaught of
            these unscrupulous literary agents.

                                   JUDGE
            Onslaught stemming had nothing to do with it.  I was upset
            because nobody invited me to Denny's.  DRAW ME ANOTHER JURY!

                                   The Bailiff moves into the audience and
                                   chooses twelve people who will take
                                   their places in the jury box onstage.
                                   When he's finished, he speaks to the
                                   Prison Guard. (In a proscenium
                                   situation, the jury should be brought
                                   from the audience to the playing area. 
                                   In an arena or thrust situation, it may
                                   be best to select a section of the
                                   audience, and keep the "jury" members
                                   in their seats.)

                                   BAILIFF
            Okay, Barry, whatdya think?

                                   GUARD
                          (Mr. Military)
            I don't understand the question, sir!

                                   BAILIFF
                          (eyes audience)
            What do you think of my jury? 

                                   GUARD
            Jury picking is not my area of expertise, sir!  I would
            prefer to consort with criminals and reprobates, sir!

                                   BAILIFF
                          (specifies portion of audience)
            Oh, I don't think that'll be much of a stretch with these
            guys.

                                   GUARD
            I have no opinion on the matter, sir!  Except to say, sir,
            that the gentleman in the red shirt looks like he'd rather be
            home watching the Spice Channel, sir!

                                   BAILIFF
            Be that as it may...Jury Cards!
                          (the Judge hands the Guard a
                           stack of numbered cardboard
                           cards; the Guard hands them to
                           the Bailiff, who proceeds to
                           hand the cards to the Jury
                           members, one by one)
            One, two, three, four five...
                          (at whichever point he reaches
                           the "gentleman in the red
                           shirt," he says...)
            Hang in there, buddy, it'll be on when you get home.  Six,
            seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve.  
                          (to Judge)
            You asked for a jury, you got a jury.

                                   JUDGE
            Swear 'em in!

                                   STATIC
            Your Honor, can I be heard?

                                   JUDGE
            Unfortunately.

                                   STATIC
            Your Honor, I assume before the swearing in that you are
            going to allow Ms. Cling and me to interview these candidates
            as to their viability as jurors.

                                   JUDGE
            If you assume that, you're dumber than you look, Mr. Static. 

                                   CLING
            Your Honor, it's true Mr. Static is indeed dumber than he
            looks, but on this point I tend to agree with him and I...

                                   JUDGE
            Quiet!  I deem these jurors to be eminently viable!

                                   CLING
            Your Honor, please, we must be able to...

                                   STATIC
            Just let me ask them if they think Monica should have washed
            the dress Your Honor!

                                   JUDGE
            Static!  Cling!  Sit!  Bailiff!  Swear 'em in!

                                   BAILIFF
                          (holds a Bible in his hand)
            Jurors, please rise!
                          (they do)
            Raise your right hand!
                          (they do)
            Now make believe you're placing your left hand on this Bible. 
            Like this.
                          (shows them what to do)
            Do you swear to well and fairly try this case and render a
            true verdict regardless of how angry you are about our ticket
            prices, so help you God?  Say "I do."
                          (they probably will respond)

                                   JUDGE
            Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, you are the jurors who
            will try this case.  I know that when you got up this morning
            you didn't expect to be jurors, and I know that when we tell
            you later on that you're probably not going to be able to go
            home with the people you came here with, you're going to be
            pretty mad.  I wish I could tell you that that's my problem,
            but it's not.  It's your problem and you're just going to
            have to deal with it.  In the meantime, you will try this
            case.  At its close, you will retire to the jury room which
            has a small refrigerator stocked with Diet Pepsi and Doritos,
            and you will vote upon your verdict.  I instruct you to
            listen to the testimony carefully, do what you can to ignore
            Mr. Static's tasteless wardrobe, and pronounce your judgement
            to the best knowledge of your hearts and minds.  You are to
            determine whether the defendant, Arnold Meddle, seated over
            there in the tasteful blue wool suit with the dated but
            dynamic red tie, is guilty or not guilty beyond a reasonable
            doubt of the murder of his wife, Amelia Meddle, heretofore
            occasionally referred to as The Deceased.

                                   ARNOLD
                          (to the jury, out of the blue; 
                           deadpan)
            People, honest to God, I don't have a clue. 

                                   JUDGE
            Mr. Static, will you advise your client that any such further
            outburst will force me to hold him in contempt!

                                   STATIC
                          (to Arnold)
            Any such further outburst will force the Judge to hold you in
            contempt.

                                   ARNOLD
            Gotcha.

                                   JUDGE
            The District Attorney may now proceed!
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