The scene is the courtroom of SuperiorCourt of Mill City, Massachusetts.

Lights up on ELLA KUTION, a reporterfor Court TV. Ella is a sharp and tothe-point news correspondent. She is seated at a table with three other women. Ella speaks to the camera.

ELLA Good evening, this is Ella Kution reporting for Court TV fromthe Superior Court of Mill City, Massachusetts where thetrial of accused wife murderer Arnold Meddle is about to gointo session. I'd like to introduce you to our panel ofexperts. This is Dr. Cynthia Fathers, a clinicalpsychologist for the Prosecution. Good evening, Doctor.

FATHERS Good evening.

ELLA Next to Dr. Fathers is Dr. Xena Phobic, clinical psychologistfor the Defense. Doctor Phobic, glad to have you with us.

XENA Glad to be had, Ella.

ELLA And finally, we are joined by Mary Contrary, a columnist fromCYNIC magazine. Glad you're here, Mary.

MARY (cynically)Yeah. Sure. Right.

ELLA Dr. Fathers, what is your assessment of Arnold Meddle's stateof mind?

FATHERS Well, as you know, Ella, I am a graduate of Harvard, Yale,MIT and Stanford. I have written countless papers on themind of the spouse murderer and have taught a class for manyyears at Cornell entitled, "The Criminal Mind, Its Depth andBreadth." I want you to know that I have in my interviewswith Mr. Meddle gone into great detail and made anextraordinary effort to look into his heart and soul andintellect.

2.

ELLA So as an astute scholar of the crime in question, what isyour considered and learned opinion of Arnold Meddle?

FATHERS I think he's nuts.

ELLA Thank you, doctor. Doctor Phobic, your opinion, please.

XENA Well, I didn't go to Harvard Yale, MIT or Stanford...

MARY What a surprise.

XENA But I do know people. And I know that Arnold Meddle is a very good person.

ELLA And how do you know that, Dr. Phobic?

XENA (holds up rectangular piece ofpaper)You see this?

ELLA Yes.

XENA Know what this is?

ELLA No.

XENA This is a check for $25,000 made out to me and signed byArnold Meddle. And you know what that means?

ELLA What?

XENA It means Arnold Meddle is a very good person!

ELLA Thank you, Doctor! Mary Contrary, would you like to sayanything before the trial begins?

MARY You know, why should I? I mean, really, what's the point?He did it, he didn't do it. He's guilty, he's not guilty.

3.

MARY (cont'd)Does it really make any difference? Do I care what these people think? No. Do I care what you think? No. Do I care what I think? No. So just, you know, leave me alone. Is that too much to ask? No.

ELLA Thank you, Mary.

MARY Any time.

Gina enters, very enthusiastically.

GINA My turn!

ELLA And, oh, yes, this is my intern, Gina, who will assist methroughout the trial.

GINA (also speaks to the camera)Hey! My Dad got me this job.

ELLA This case has been in the newspapers for months and...

GINA He like OWNS Court TV and he wanted to keep me outa the mallfor the summer so...

ELLA ...and the nation has been glued to the...

GINA So I got the job! Hi!!!!

ELLA GINA! Please. This case has captured the minds and heartsof the nation as Arnold Meddle allegedly...

GINA Oh, let me tell, let me tell! This guy, this Arnold, he'slike this creepy undertaker and his wife Amelia was like thisreally crappy community theatre actress...

ELLA Gina!

GINA No, I mean like Arnold is a total creepazoid and he snuck upin the ceiling of the theatre and cut loose like this sandbagand dropped it on his wife and crunched her to death!

4.

ELLA

GINA! It is my job to report the news.

GINA Okay, but, like, they know everything now.(into camera)Hi! I'm getting paid for this!

ELLA (indicates audience)And this, of course, is the jury who will hear the case.

GINA They're the jury?(whispers to them)He's guilty. Pass it on!

ELLA Gina!

(into camera)Let's watch as the witnesses and the accused are led into the courtroom.

The BAILIFF enters and, one by one, theWITNESSES enter the courtroom, asdescribed by Ella.

BAILIFF Witnesses, take your seats!

ELLA That is Salvatore Soo, the County Medical Examiner. He isfollowed by Gretel Van Cistern, who I believe was the stagemanager for the show at which this alleged murder occurred.

GINA "Hello Dolly" And it wasn't alleged.

ELLA GINA!

(to camera)And there is Ginger Rayle, one of the other actresses in theplay.

GINA Nice name. If you live at Market Basket.

ELLA Next is Mr. and Mrs. Byron Shelley. Byron was AmeliaMeddle's co-star in the show.

GINA Yeah, I saw it. He sucked.

5.

ELLA Don't say sucked!

GINA He stunk.

ELLA And now we see Edwena Bury, Arnold Meddle's mortuaryassistant. She appears to be very delicate. And Harriet Meddle, Arnold's mother. That's Dora Glockamorra, anotheractress in the show.

GINA I coulda played her part, like, so much better...

ELLA And finally, that is Penelope Pacemaker, the director of theshow. Let's listen is as the Bailiff calls the trial to order!

GINA Cool!

ELLA Gina!

BAILIFF All rise!

All rise. JUDGE ROYALE BEEN enters in his robes and mounts the steps leadingto his chair behind the bench. The Bailiff then speaks again.

BAILIFF (cont'd)

(continued)Superior Court Number Eleven of the Commonwealth ofMassachusetts. The Honorable Judge Royale Been presiding.

JUDGE

(sits; sharply, to Bailiff)That's "Been," My name is prounounced "Been" as in "pin,"not "Been" as in "bean."

BAILIFF Sorry Judge.

JUDGE

(clears throat)The people of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts versus ArnoldMeddle.

6.

CLING (a woman)Ready, your Honor.

JUDGE Ready for what, Ms. Cling?

CLING Ready to proceed, your Honor.

JUDGE Did I ask you?

CLING No, your Honor.

JUDGE Then you're not ready.

CLING Yes, your Honor.

JUDGE Mr. Static, are you ready?

STATIC

(a man)Yes, your Honor! The Defense is ready. I have no idea whythe Prosecution isn't ready.

CLING (to Static)She told me I wasn't ready.

STATIC Well, I'm ready.

CLING Suck-up.

STATIC Dinkweed.

CLING Brown Nose.

STATIC Wuss.

JUDGE Counsel! That is enough! BAILIFF...Swear in the jury!

STATIC Your Honor, can I be heard?

7.

JUDGE (cont'd)Unfortunately.

STATIC Your Honor, I assume you are going to allow Ms. Cling and meto interview these jury candidates.

JUDGE If you assume that, you're dumber than you look, Mr. Static.

CLING Your Honor, it's true Mr. Static is indeed dumber than helooks, but on this point I tend to agree with him and I...

JUDGE Quiet!

CLING Your Honor, please, we must be able to...

JUDGE (cont'd)Static! Cling! Sit! Bailiff! Swear 'em in!

BAILIFF (holds a Bible in his hand)Jurors, please rise!(audience does)Raise your right hand!

(they do)Now make believe you're placing your left hand on this Bible.Like this.

(shows them what to do)Do you swear to well and fairly try this case and render atrue verdict? Gimme a "yeah!"

(they probably will respond)

JUDGE Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, you are to determinewhether the defendant, Arnold Meddle, is guilty or not guiltybeyond a reasonable doubt of the murder of his wife, AmeliaMeddle, heretofore occasionally referred to as The Deceased.

ARNOLD (to the jury, out of the blue;deadpan)People, honest to God, I don't have a clue.

JUDGE Mr. Static, will you advise your client that any such furtheroutburst will force me to hold him in contempt!

8.

STATIC

(to Arnold)Any such further outburst will force the Judge to hold you incontempt.

ARNOLD Gotcha.

JUDGE The District Attorney may now proceed!

CLING

(slowly approaches the jury,gearing up for her openingsalvo; she takes a few beats,gathers her thoughts; takes adeep breath, then suddenlyleans into an attractive man on the jury)I love your cologne.

JUDGE Cling! Get to the matter at hand!

CLING Of course, Your Honor!

(clears throat, proceeds)January 16th of this year, a date that will forever be etchedin the memory of Amelia Meddle, who...

STATIC Move to strike!

JUDGE Strike who?

STATIC Ms. Cling.

CLING I thought Opening Remarks couldn't be objected to, yourHonor.

STATIC (cont'd)I didn't object. I moved to strike.

CLING Oh.

STATIC So there.

JUDGE Ms. Cling!

9.

CLING

Yes, Your Honor.

(clears throat again)January 16th of this year was the closing night of the MillCity Players' presentation of the classic American musical,HELLO DOLLY. But near the end of the second act, AmeliaMeddle, in the middle of her rousing solo rendition of "SoLong Dearie," heard a rope snap above her head as a sandbagplummeted on to her from the flyspace, ending not only herhighly acclaimed if derivative performance, but also herlife. The Commonwealth will prove, beyond a reasonabledoubt, that the Defendant, Arnold Meddle, Amelia Meddle'shusband, released that sandbag at precisely the moment hiswife was singing under it, thus crushing her to death, andnecessitating the postponement of the play's denouement.

JUDGE In English, please, Ms. Cling.

CLING Climax, your Honor.

JUDGE Hmm. Better stick to French.

CLING The Commonwealth contends that Ms. Meddle's relationship withher co-star in the production, Byron Shelley, ignited thegreen monster inside Arnold Meddle, prompted him to releasethe sandbag of death, killing his wife. The Commonwealth believes that Arnold Meddle, and ONLY Arnold Meddle, couldhave perpetrated this heinous, heinous crime! Thank you.

(takes seat)

JUDGE The court orders the Court Stenographer to strike one ofthose "heinouses."

CLING (rising)Your Honor, I object!

JUDGE Overruled! You can't say "heinous, heinous." Something iseither heinous or not heinous. Once something is heinous, itcan't get any heinouser. Mr. Static--your Opening Statement.

Static steps towards the jury,

STATIC (to jury)Ladies and Gentlemen of the audience...

10.

JUDGE

Static!

STATIC Jury! Sorry...ladies and gentlemen of the jury...I don'tknow why we're here today. My client doesn't know why we'rehere today.

ARNOLD I really don't.

JUDGE Quiet, Meddle.

STATIC And, God knows, you have no idea why you're here today. Myclient, Arnold Meddle, is one of the most respectedundertakers in this city. Yes. Day after day after day, heputs people in the ground. Look at him! He eats, drinks andsleeps death. Why would a man like this seek out more death?He gets all the death he wants at work! Not only that, heloved his wife! Yes! In fact, they were right in the middleof plans to merge their businesses. Mrs. Meddle was on the verge of signing a deal that would move her Senior CitizenAerobics Center to the newly refurbished basement of theMeddle Mortuary. Think of it, ladies and gentlemen of thejury! As the mourners greeted their friends and neighborsupstairs, their sadness would be tempered by the thump,thump, thump of Richard Simmons "Sweatin' To The Oldies" fromthe basement, thus assuring them that life does, indeed, go on. And even if it doesn't, even if during a workout someonekeels over from too much exertion on the stair master, lifeis easier, because there you are--right next to the embalmingroom! Think of the convenience! So don't even bother to concern yourself whether or not my client did or didn't killhis wife. Just ease your way down the path of reasonabledoubt, and get home for Letterman! Thank you!

JUDGE Ms. Cling, call your first witness.

CLING The Commonwealth calls Salvatore Soo!

BAILIFF Salvatore Soo!

SOO walks to the stand. The Bailiff approaches him and holds out the Bible.Soo places his left hand on it, andraises his right hand.

11.

BAILIFF (cont'd)

(continued)Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth andnothing but the truth?

SOO So help me God?

BAILIFF Oh. Yeah. That too.

SOO I do.

BAILIFF Kindly state your name.

SOO Salvatore Soo.

Cling approaches the stand.

CLING What is your occupation, Mr. Soo?

SOO I am the Medical Examiner of this County.

CLING In the course of your duty, what were you called upon to doon the night of January 16th of this year?

SOO Well, I watched a little ESPN with the wife. Then about seven-thirty, I think we looked at Jeopardy, although I can'tbe sure about that...

CLING Mr. Soo...Mr. Soo...later...later that night...

SOO Oh. Oh! You mean when I had to go over to that communitytheatre and take a look at that lady got crushed by thesandbag!

CLING Yes, Mr. Soo.

SOO Well, uh, I got to the theatre at about 10:15, you know, andI was a little ticked off when I got there...

CLING (cont'd)Why is that, Mr. Soo?

12.

SOO Well, they made me buy a ticket.

CLING Mr. Soo! What can you tell us about the condition of thebody?

SOO The sandbag lady?

CLING Yes.

SOO Crushed. Very, very crushed.

CLING And what did you establish as the cause of death?

SOO You mean besides the sandbag?

CLING Well...

SOO Nothing. Sandbag did the job. Badaboom.

CLING So there is no doubt in your mind, Mr. Soo, that theplummeting sandbag and the plummeting sandbag alone causedthe death of Amelia Meddle.

SOO Uh... I can't vouch for the brand name of the sandbag, so I'mnot sure whether it was a Plummeting Sandbag, but whateverkind of sandbag it was, it crushed the hell out of that lady,I can tell you that.

CLING (beat)Thank you, Mr. Soo.

SOO You're welcome, sweetheart.

CLING (to Static)Your witness.

Static approaches the stand.

13.

STATIC Mr. Soo. Do you think it's possible that crushed Ms. Meddle,was faultily rigged?

SOO Absolutely not.

STATIC You're sure?

SOO Totally, completely, utterly and fully.

STATIC I see.

SOO I'm glad.

STATIC Mr. Soo...may I call you Sal?

SOO That's my name. Sal Soo.

STATIC Salvatore Soo. Chinese-Italian. Your mother's name, infact, before she married your father, was Susan Logobricci,was it not?

SOO So?

STATIC So, Sal, is it not true that your mother, Sue Soo, is thedaughter of Tony Logobricci, owner of the Mill CityTheatrical Sandbag Company?

SOO I guess, yeah...

STATIC And isn't it true, Sal, that you would do and say anything toprotect your mother's family name?

CLING Your Honor, I object! Mr. Soo is a highly respected MedicalExaminer and in no way would stoop to covering up for his in-laws' possible liabilty!

SOO Ah...I wouldn't say that.

14.

CLING Mr. Soo!

SOO And I'm not all that highly respected, by the way...

CLING Mr. Soo!!

STATIC No further questions, Your Honor!

JUDGE You may step down, Mr. Soo.

SOO (as he does)Yo.

JUDGE Ms. Cling, call your next witness!

CLING I...I'm aghast!

JUDGE Well, I'm a-waitin'. Let's go! Call!!!

Sal approaches Ella.

ELLA Mr. Soo...a moment of your time, please?

SOO For you, honey...two minutes!(refers to Gina)Who's your little friend?

GINA Hi, cutie!

ELLA Dr. Fathers has a question...

SOO Shoot, dad.

FATHERS Don't you think you watch too much television?

SOO I examine dead bodies all day. What do you think I should dowhen I get home, make s'mores?

15.

XENA I think Mr. Soo's testimony proves Mr. Meddle's innocence!

ELLA Why do you insist he is innocent?

XENA (holds up check)Twenty-five thousand smackeroos!

SOO (to Mary)When was the last time you smiled?

MARY 1994. August 3rd. 2 o'clock in the afternoon. Get outa here!

ELLA (as Sal leaves)Back to the trial!

GINA Back to the trial!

ELLA (to Gina)Ssh!

CLING Uh...the Commonwealth calls Gretel Van Cistern!

BAILIFF Gretel Van Cistern!

GRETEL What!

BAILIFF The Commonwealth just called you.

GRETEL Oh.

JUDGE Take the stand Ms. Van Cistern.

She does. The Bailiff approaches her,holds out the Bible. She promptlytakes it from him.

16.

BAILIFF (takes the Bible back)Give me that!

GRETEL Sorry.

BAILIFF Put your left hand on it.(she does, very carefully)Now raise your right hand.

(again, very carefully)Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth andnothing but the truth, so help you God?

GRETEL (beat)What was that second thing?

BAILIFF THE WHOLE TRUTH!!!

GRETEL I will! I do! Yeah! Sure! Whatever!

BAILIFF State your name.

GRETEL Gretel Van Cistern.

The Bailiff backs off in disgust asCling moves to the stand.

CLING Ms. Van Cistern, you are the Stage Manager for the Mill CityPlayers Community Theatre Organization, are you not?

GRETEL Yes.

CLING And you stage managed the show?

GRETEL Yes.

CLING HELLO DOLLY.

GRETEL Hello. My name is Gretel.

17.

CLING No...no, the show...the show you stage managed on the nightin question was the show HELLO DOLLY.

GRETEL Oh. Yeah. Sorry.

CLING And could you tell us where you were situated during therousing number "So Long, Dearie?"

GRETEL Well, on that night I had changed places with my intern,Ronald Chandonnet. I let the intern call one performance ofevery show from the stage manager's booth. So I was backstageleft. Very near Gus, the lovable doorman.

CLING I see. And did you notice anything unusual backstage leftduring that time?

GRETEL (cont'd)Yes, I noticed Mrs. Meddle's husband. Arnold.

CLING And why was it unusual for Mr. Meddle to be backstage?

GRETEL (looks right at Arnold,

severely)Because when you're not in the show, you're not allowedbackstage. So I told him to get his butt outa there!

CLING And what did Mr. Meddle do?

GRETEL I think he got his butt outa there.

CLING You think? Aren't you sure?

GRETEL No. I had a cue coming up. Mrs. Meddle was supposed to ringthe cash register during the number, and I had to ring myringer when she hit the keys. So after I told Mr. Meddle to get out, I turned my attention back to the show.

CLING And what happened immediately after your rang your ringer?

GRETEL I said "Oh, my God!"

18.

CLING (taken aback)What? Why?

GRETEL I scraped my thumb on the ringer. Hurt like you wouldn'tbelieve.

CLING

(beat)After...that...Ms. Van Cistern. What happened...onstageimmediately after that?

GRETEL Oh. Mrs. Meddle got crushed by the sandbag.

CLING (to Static)Your witness!

STATIC

(approaching the stand)Miss Van Cistern...you are...an unmarried woman, is thistrue?

GRETEL It's not a crime.

STATIC Tell me, was the night of the January 16th performance theonly night you swapped positions with Ronald Chandonnetduring the run of HELLO DOLLY?

GRETEL Uh...no. How did you know that?

STATIC That is my job, Miss Van Cistern, to sift out lies and tounbend the truth!

JUDGE Static! No further posturing!

STATIC Not even this? (strikes a pose)

JUDGE No!

STATIC (strike another pose)Or this?

19.

JUDGE Absolutely not! Proceed!

STATIC Miss Van Cistern...is it true that your plan was to setyourself backstage left because you were sweet on RandyThistle, who was in charge of raising the curtain there!

GRETEL No!

STATIC And isn't it true, Miss Van Cistern, that you are lying aboutMr. Meddle to cover for the fact that your...boyfriend, RandyThistle, and you were wrapped in a fevered embrace during therousing "So Long, Dearie" number, when he should have beenmanning the curtain?

GRETEL No! That's not true at all! I told you, I was ringing myringer!

STATIC Are you sure it wasn't Randy ringing your ringer?

GRETEL That's a lie!

STATIC Is it, Miss Van Cistern? Is it a lie? Or are you simplytrying to protect your man!

GRETEL I don't have a man!

STATIC (growls in her face)Oh, but you want one, don't you?

GRETEL No, I...

STATIC And the man you want is Randy Thistle, isn't it?

GRETEL No! No! This is all...terribly incorrect!

STATIC Why, Miss Van Cistern! Why is this...incorrect?

GRETEL Because...

20.

STATIC Yes, Miss Van Cistern! We're waiting! Because...

GRETEL Because... (very quietly, her face in herhands)I like girls.

STATIC (beat)What?

GRETEL I...like...girls. Not guys. Girls. I like...girls.

ARNOLD (deadpan)Now, see, I could have told you that.

JUDGE (to GRETEL)You may step down.

GRETEL That's it? He gets me up here and I reveal the deepest,darkest secret of my life in front of the world and all I getto do is step down?

JUDGE That's...pretty much the deal, yeah. Come on...step, step,step!

GRETEL grudgingly leaves the stand andapproaches Ella.

ELLA Ms. Van Cistern...

GRETEL What?

MARY Let me take this...Gretel, how does it feel to have a firstname that sounds like you should be living in a gingerbreadhouse in the forest?

GRETEL I like my name. I was named after my uncle.

GINA Uncle Gretel?

21.

MARY

Stupid name.

FATHERS (to Mary)Why do you have to be so cynical!

MARY Why do you have to be so boring!

XENA (flailing check, singsong)Arnold's innocent! Arnold's innocent!

ELLA Back to the courtroom!

GINA Back to the... (Ella gives her a look)...what she said!

JUDGE Ms. Cling, your next witness.

CLING The Commonwealth calls Ginger Rayle!

BAILIFF Ginger Rayle!

ARNOLD (giggling)I'll have a Diet Coke!

JUDGE Quiet, Meddle!

GINGER RAYLE takes the stand. She has Betty Boop's voice. The Bailiff holds out the Bible to her.

BAILIFF Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothingbut the truth, so help you God?

GINGER Oh, so help me God and, like, everybody.

BAILIFF Be seated. (she does)State your name.

22.

GINGER Ginger Rayle.

CLING Ms. Rayle, what is your current employment?

GINGER I am a permanent temporary.

CLING Which means...?

GINGER I work temporarily on a permanent basis.

CLING You mean you are on permanent call at a temporary agency?

GINGER Well, temporarily. At the moment, I'm considering taking aposition at the temporary agency on a permanent basis.

CLING So that will then make you a full-time employee at atemporary agency on a permanent basis?

GINGER For the time being.

CLING Good. Now, in your spare time, you are an actress, am Icorrect?

GINGER I like to think so. Most people consider me a musical comedyperformer because with my voice nobody can take me serious asan actress.

CLING I see.

GINGER I got cast as the Maid in LONG DAY'S JOURNEY INTO NIGHT oncebut every time I opened my mouth, the audience laughed,making the journey much longer than it was supposed to be. SoI got fired.

CLING But you were in the Mill City Players' production of HELLODOLLY, isn't that true?

GINGER (cont'd)Yeah. I was Minnie Fay. Like you couldn'ta guessed.(she giggles idiotically)

23.

CLING And you spent a lot of rehearsal time with Amelia Meddle, whoplayed Dolly Levi, did you not?

GINGER LOTS of rehearsal time. I mean, would it have been too muchto ask that she open her script and learn a line? I think she was lazy. LAY-ZEE! Of course, maybe she faked it so shecould spend more time with Byron.

CLING By Byron, you mean Byron Shelley, the actor who played HoraceVandergelder in the show?

GINGER Yeah. He can't sing, but most guys his age who can are dead,so they use Byron.

CLING And is it your testimony that Amelia Meddle and Byron Shelleywere having an affair?

GINGER Well, I don't know...I can't for the life of me see Ameliaand Byron, you know...

(makes a graphic gesture)...affairing. The thought of either one of them nakednauseates me personally.

CLING But there was, in your opinion, a romantic relationshipbetween them?

GINGER Yeah, they did this kissy-face stuff a lot and there waspinching and giggling and just, you know, all-aroundobnoxious adolescent behavior.

CLING Pinching, you say?

GINGER Yeah.

CLING Who pinched whom?

GINGER He pinched her.

CLING Where?

24.

GINGER

(stands, turns, indicates)Oh, usually somewhere near the side of the left cheek,here...

CLING No...No, Miss Rayle. In what...location of the theatre did the pinching take place?

GINGER Oh. Well, just about anywhere her tush went, his fingersfollowed.

CLING And was Arnold Meddle ever present when this...pinchingoccurred?

GINGER Oh, yeah. Arnold was at a lot of rehearsals so there's no way he didn't see the pinchin'. It was out of control.

CLING (to Static)Your witness.

STATIC

(to stand)Ms. Rayle, I look at you and I see a woman who parked herLexus next to my Hundai in the court parking lot, and wholives in a luxurious condominium at Mill City Estates. How doyou accommodate such a lavish lifestyle.

GINGER I told you, I work for a living. Temporarily.

STATIC Is it not true, Ms. Rayle that up until rehearsals began forHELLO DOLLY, you were what might politely be called Mr. ByronShelley's tootsie!

GINGER Well, I don't know exactly what....

STATIC I'll tell you exactly what, Ms. Rayle! You were Mr. Shelley's lollipop, and he was your Sugar Daddy!

GINGER Who are you, Fannie Farmer?

STATIC And because Mr. Shelley ended his relationship with you, youlied about the friendship between Mr. Shelley and AmeliaMeddle!

25.

GINGER I'm not lyin! He had his fingers on her backside whenevershe got within arm's length!

STATIC Do you deny your liaison with Mr. Shelley!

GINGER Yes!

STATIC How can you possibly deny that liaison?

GINGER Because I don't know what a liaison is!

STATIC No further questions!

JUDGE You may step down. Bailiff, escort the witness off thestand.

GINGER (barks as Bailiff approaches)Hey, escort this!

Ginger leaves stand, approaches Ella.

GINGER (cont'd)Can you believe that Static guy?

FATHERS I don't think you comported yourself well on the stand.

GINGER What you with the big words too? Comported? Did they passout dictionaries before the trial or somethin'?

XENA Don't listen to her. Your testimony was exemplary.

GINGER Exempla-who? What is it with you people?(to Mary)You got a big word for me, too?

MARY Nope.

GINA (to Ginger, as she leaves)Hey, we could hang out...

26.

ELLA Back to the judge!

JUDGE Ms. Cling, your next witness.

CLING The Commonwealth calls Mrs. Byron Shelley!

BAILIFF Mrs. Byron Shelley!

MRS. SHELLEY approaches the stand.

BAILIFF (cont'd)Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothingbut the truth?

MRS. SHELLEY I most certainly do.

JUDGE Can't anybody give a straight answer around here?

BAILIFF State your name.

MRS. SHELLEY Mrs. Byron Shelley.

BAILIFF Your first name, please, for the court record.

MRS. SHELLEY Shelley.

BAILIFF Your first name.

MRS. SHELLEY Shelley is my first name.

BAILIFF Your name is Shelley Shelley?

MRS. SHELLEY My name is Mrs. Byron Shelley.

BAILIFF (to Cling)All yours.

27.

CLING

(approaches stand)Mrs. Shelley, I know this is going to be difficult for you,but I must ask you a few very personal questions.

MRS. SHELLEY I am not afraid of personal questions.

CLING Fine, then. How long have you been married to Mr. Shelley?

MRS. SHELLEY (to Judge)Must I answer that?

JUDGE That you must!

MRS. SHELLEY Very well. Mr. Shelley and I have been married thirty-two years.

CLING And would you consider your marriage to be a happy one?

MRS. SHELLEY That's none of your business, young lady!

CLING Your Honor, permission to treat Mrs. Shelley as a hostilewitness?

JUDGE Absolutely.

CLING (instantly hostile, in her

face)NOW, LISTEN TO ME YOU OLD BAG, I WANT YOU TO ANSWER ME AND IWANT YOU TO ANSWER ME GOOD. YOU UNDERSTAND?

MRS. SHELLEY Well, I....

CLING DO YOU OR DO YOU NOT HAVE AN ARRANGEMENT WITH MR. SHELLEY THAT ALLOWS HIM TO SEE OTHER WOMEN?

MRS. SHELLEY Certainly not! Mr. Shelley and I have no such...

CLING (in her face)YOU'RE BEING HOSTILE AGAIN, MRS. SHELLEY! AND AS LONG AS YOU

28.

CLING (cont'd)KEEP BEING HOSTILE, I'M GOING TO TREAT YOU AS HOSTILE BECAUSETHE JUDGE RULED THAT I COULD! SO IF YOU WANT ME OUT OF YOUR FACE, YOU'D BETTER START COMING CLEAN!

MRS. SHELLEY Oh, all right, all right, all right! Dear me! Yes! Is that what you want to hear? Yes! Mr. Shelley and I have awritten agreement that he may seek...comfort from other women.

CLING So can you confirm that Mr. Shelley has been involved in arelationship with the deceased, Mrs. Amelia Meddle?

MRS. SHELLEY Not since she's been deceased.

CLING Before her death!

MRS. SHELLEY Yes. I can.

CLING (to Static)Your witness.

STATIC

(approaching)Mrs. Shelley...what did you receive in return from Mr.Shelley as part of the written agreement you made with himregarding his freedom to seek...comfort from other women?

MRS. SHELLEY That's none of your business, young man!

STATIC (to Judge)Permission to treat this witness as hostile, Your Honor.

JUDGE No permission needed! She's a Prosecution witness. Treat her as hostilely as you like! Make her squirm, for all Icare!

STATIC (instantly hostile, in her

face)COME ON, LADY, OWN UP! SPILL IT! WHAT DID YOU GET FROM BYRON IN RETURN FOR WHAT YOU'VE DESCRIBED AS HIS NO-HOLDSBARRED PHILANDERING? SURELY, SHELLEY, YOU MUST HAVE RECEIVEDBIG TIME RECIPROCATION FOR SO ENORMOUS AN ALLOWANCE AS YOU GAVE YOUR HUSBAND!

29.

MRS. SHELLEY I don't think I...

STATIC DON'T SHILLY SHALLY, SHELLEY! YOU GOT SOMETHING FROM HIM,DIDN'T YOU?

MRS. SHELLEY No.

STATIC NO?

MRS. SHELLEY Nothing.

STATIC NOTHING?

MRS. SHELLEY Well...

STATIC WELL?

MRS. SHELLEY Well...there was...one...little..thing.

STATIC OH? AND WHAT WAS THAT...ONE LITTLE THING, MRS. SHELLEY?

MRS. SHELLEY Oh, I could never...

STATIC TELL THE COURT, MRS. SHELLEY...

MRS. SHELLEY I couldn't possibly, I...

STATIC MRS. SHELLEY, THE COURT IS DYING TO KNOW WHAT YOU GOT INRETURN FOR LETTING YOUR HUSBAND SLEEP AROUND!

MRS. SHELLEY THE CLICKER!

STATIC What?

MRS. SHELLEY The...clicker. The remote control for the television. Before our agreement he would sit there, hour after hour,jumping from channel to channel, never stopping more than one

30.

MRS. SHELLEY (cont'd)or two seconds, never allowing me to choose a program, alwaysdarting here, darting there. I couldn't take it any more. I said to him, Byron, what can I do to get that infernalclicking thing away from you? His eyes lit up. He said,"Let me vent my frustration outside the marriage." Well, Ihardly had to think about it. I signed the agreement.

STATIC I see. And is it fair to say, Mrs. Shelley, that you liedabout your husband's relationship with Mrs. Meddle so that hewould stay on the prowl, out of your living room, and far,far away from your precious remote control!!!

MRS. SHELLEY That's outrageous!

STATIC I know, but I gave it a shot. No more questions!

MRS. SHELLEY Well, I never!

JUDGE Well, I'm not surprised. Step down! Ms. Cling? Who's next?

Mrs. Shelley approaches Ella.

ELLA Mrs. Shelley, you seem a bit perturbed.

MRS. SHELLEY Well wouldn't you be, if your reputation was sullied in sucha manner?

FATHERS Oh, I think you sullied your own reputation out there, Mrs.Shelley.

XENA Yep. You blew it, Toots.

MARY You got TiVo with that clicker?

GINA (as Mrs. Shelley stomps off)Now back to the Meddle trial!

ELLA Hey!

CLING (as Mrs. Shelley huffs off)Call Edwena Bury!

31.

ARNOLD

Not Edwena!

JUDGE I'm warning you, Meddle!

BAILIFF Edwena Bury!

ARNOLD Oh, Jeez, that isn't fair!

STATIC Arnold, please!

ARNOLD But she's so delicate! (to Prosecution)Oh, you people are mean.

EDWENA BURY takes the stand. She putsher hand on the Bailiff's Bible.

BAILIFF Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothingbut the truth, so help you God?

EDWENA I do.

JUDGE Well, it's about time!

BAILIFF State your name.

EDWENA Edwena Bury.

BAILIFF Have a seat.

EDWENA (as she does)Thank you very much.

BAILIFF You're welcome.

EDWENA You're very kind.

BAILIFF I do what I can.

32.

EDWENA I appreciate your courtesy.

BAILIFF I'm only trying to make you comfortable.

EDWENA I'm grateful for your...

JUDGE Enough, already, with the thanking! Cling!

CLING (approaching)Miss Bury, what is your current occupation?

EDWENA I am Mr. Meddle's mortuary assistant.

CLING And how long have you been Mr. Meddle's assistant, Miss Bury?

EDWENA (cont'd)Ever since I was a little girl, every time Mr. Meddle buriedsomething, I helped him.

CLING Oh? Mr. Meddle buried things before he became an undertaker?

EDWENA Oh, yes. I remember the very first time I assisted Mr.Meddle with a burial. I saw Arnie out in his back yarddigging into the ground with a soup spoon. I ran outside and asked him what he was doing. He told me he was having afuneral for Chirpy.

CLING And Chirpy would be...?

EDWENA Chirpy would be the Meddle's parakeet who had passed on thatmorning. The Medical Examiner's report attributed the deathto excessive inhalation of fumes from a bowl of Post Toasties.

CLING The Medical Examiner?

EDWENA Markie McCoy. He lived across the street. Arnie put Chirpyin the hole while I played taps on my father's ukulele. I've been assisting him ever since.

33.

CLING So you and Mr. Meddle buried the neighborhood pets.

EDWENA Yes. Mostly pets.

CLING Mostly pets?

EDWENA Yes. In high school, Markie McCoy wrote the senior play. It was called DEATH, DEATH, DEATH. It died. We buried the script.

CLING Miss Bury, what form of container did you utilize to buryyour parakeets and goldfish and hamsters?

EDWENA I'd rather not say...

CLING Miss Bury!

EDWENA Mr. Meddle has been so good to me...

CLING Answer the question!

EDWENA I'm very delicate, you see and he...

CLING Miss Bury! In what type of container did you place theremains!!!

EDWENA SANDBAGS! (there is a gasp from thespectators)Sandbags. We buried them in sandbags.(to Arnold)I'm sorry, Arnie.

ARNOLD That's all right, Chuck.(to Court in general)That's her nickname. (to Chuck)They're just mean. You couldn't help it.

34.

CLING So would you say, Miss Edwena "Chuck" Bury, that Mr. Meddleis sufficiently versed in the manipulation of sandbags?

EDWENA Arnold could do things with sandbags that would make a girl'sheart stop.

(to Arnold)Arnie...please forgive me.

ARNOLD (to Static)It's my own fault. I got this charm thing goin'.

CLING (to Static)Mr. Static...the witness is yours.

STATIC

(moves to stand)Miss Bury...do you think Mr. Meddle has it in him to drop asandbag on his wife?

EDWENA No, I do not.

STATIC Do you believe Mr. Meddle has it in him to murder anyone,much less his wife?

EDWENA No, I do not.

STATIC Do you believe Mr. Meddle has it in him...

EDWENA No, I do not!

STATIC I haven't finished my question, Miss Meddle.

EDWENA Sorry.

STATIC Do you believe Mr. Meddle has it in him to perpetrate anykind of physical mayhem on any member of the human race?

EDWENA (beat)You're finished, right?

35.

STATIC Right.

EDWENA NO, I DO NOT!

STATIC No further questions, Your Honor.

CLING I have one more question for this witness, Your Honor.

JUDGE I thought you might. Proceed.

CLING Miss Bury...are you in love with Mr. Meddle?

EDWENA Head over heels. Have been since I was seven.

ARNOLD Oh, Jeez...

CLING Thank you.

JUDGE Step down, Miss Bury.

EDWENA

(as she does)I handled the Periwinkle Funeral this morning, Arnie.Everything went off without a hitch.

JUDGE Please! Miss Bury!

EDWENA

(whispers as she passes Arnold)One of the pall bearers looked pretty sick. I gave him yourcard.

JUDGE Miss Bury, that will be enough!

Edwena approaches Ella.

ELLA Miss Bury, why do people take advantage of you?

GINA Why are you so quiet all the time?

36.

FATHERS Why are people mean to you?

XENA Why have you never received a check for $25,000?

MARY Why don't you stand up for yourself?

EDWENA Why? You wanna know why people walk all over me? Is that what you wanna know? Okay. I'll tell you. It's because I'm DELICATE! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANNA HEAR? FINE! I'M DELICATE! DEL-I-CATE! I'M DELICATE NOW, I'M GONNA BE DELICATETOMORROW, AND WHEN THEY PUT ME IN THE GROUND WHEN I'M NINETYSIX, I'M GONNA BE DELICATE THEN!

(as ahe starts off, in the faceof each panelist)DELICATE! DELICATE! DELICATE!!!!!!! (she is gone)

JUDGE Miss Cling, have you any more witnesses to call?

CLING The Commonwealth calls the director of the Mill City Players'production of HELLO DOLLY, Penelope Pacemaker!

BAILIFF Penelope Pacemaker!

PENELOPE (rising)Please. It's not Pacemaker. It's Pah-che-mah-kay!(moves to the stand)

BAILIFF Oh. Yeah. Right. Raise the hand.

(Penelope does)Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothingbut the truth, so help you God?

PENELOPE What is there, but truth?

BAILIFF (really tired of this)I have no friggin' idea.

PENELOPE I awaken each morning under oath!

37.

BAILIFF

I'm sure. Siddown. (Bailiff retreats mumbling "Pahche-ma-kay"))

Penelope sits. Cling approaches thestand.

CLING Ms. Pah-Che-Mah-Kay...what is your occ...cew...paht...see...own?

(she giggles at her littlejoke)

JUDGE You're a riot, Cling.

CLING Sorry, your Honor!

CLING Ms. Pacemaker, please tell the court your occupation.

PENELOPE I am the Artistic Producing Managing Director of the MillCity Players Theatre Company.

CLING And you spend a great deal of time at the theatre, do younot?

PENELOPE I do. As Artistic Producing Managing Director of the MillCity Players Theatre Company, I am emburdened with the weightand scope of the creative flow of our output.

ARNOLD What the hell is she talking about?

STATIC Ssh!

CLING It is not unusual, then, is it, for you to be at the theatre,even after a show is well into its run?

PENELOPE Well, as Artistic Producing Managing Director, my...how shallI say it?...spirit is always at the theatre. My aura ispervasive.

ARNOLD I think I saw that scribbled on the men's room wall.

38.

JUDGE

Meddle!

ARNOLD Withdrawn!

PENELOPE Not a curtain is raised, not a cheek is dappled, not a flatis made erect that is not overseen by me personally.

CLING Well...wouldn't that become a bit, oh, unnerving for thecompany members?

PENELOPE Not at all. Much of the time I oversee dressed as I am now. Other times, I adopt a disguise.

CLING Ah!

PENELOPE You see, in addition to being the Artistic Producing ManagingDirector of the Mill City Players Theatre Company, I am alsoan accomplished actress.

CLING (cont'd)(cagily building up to

something)I see. And were you, in fact, backstage in disguise at thetheatre during the closing peformance of HELLO DOLLY, on thenight of January 16th?

PENELOPE I was!

CLING Your Honor, I object.

JUDGE To what? You're asking the questions. What are you objectingto?

CLING The audience. There should have been a gasp from theaudience at Ms. Pacemaker's revelation. There was no gasp.I object. I demand you order a gasp!

JUDGE All right, anything to get this thing rolling. Members of the gallery, when Ms. Pacemaker repeats her response to Ms.Cling's last question, I order you to gasp. I'll give you asignal. When I do this...

39.

JUDGE (cont'd)(gestures)

...you gasp.

STATIC I object!

JUDGE I don't care. Ms. Cling--ask your question again.

CLING (to Penelope)You were backstage that night?

PENELOPE I was!

The Judge gestures. The audience gasps.

JUDGE (to Cling)You happy?

CLING I am, Your Honor.

JUDGE Continue. (under breath)You looney bird.

CLING And how were you disguised that night, Ms. Pacemaker?

PENELOPE I arrived two hours early and disguised myself as Gus, thelovable doorman.

ARNOLD No way!

PENELOPE Way, Arnold! Way!

CLING But how did you get Gus to agree to the switch?

PENELOPE Excuse me, I am the Artistic Producing Managing Director.What I say goes. So I said. And Gus went.

CLING And did you see the Defendant, Arnold Meddle, backstage thatnight as the rousing "So Long, Dearie" number approached?

40.

PENELOPE

I did! I saw him until he slithered around behind the rear curtain, out of my sight. Seconds later, I saw a figurecrawling along the grid in the fly space, making its way tothe stage left sandbag, where he pushed the sandbag off theedge of the grid. It plummeted to the floor and demolishedmy leading lady!

CLING And what happened to the shadowy figured after it dropped thesandbag on Mrs. Meddle?

PENELOPE I have no idea. As Artistic Producing Managing Director...

(everybody but Cling groans)...it was my duty to tend to the performance. I rehearsed the understudy, and arranged for the final scenes to beplayed. Unfortunately, the police wouldn't let me moveAmelia's body, so some of the actors tripped over her duringthe curtain call.

CLING One final question, Ms. Pacemaker. Do you have any idea whothat shadowy figure in the flyspace might have been?

PENELOPE (cont'd)Well, wouldn't all this be dramatically anemic if I didn't?

CLING Who was it, Ms. P?

PENELOPE I have no doubt that the shadowy figure who dropped thesandbag on Amelia Meddle was her husband, the Defendant,Arnold Meddle!

JUDGE (to Cling)Need a gasp?

CLING No, Your Honor. This hushed silence speaks volumes.(to Static)Your witness.

STATIC (approaching)Your...occupation again, Ms. Pacemaker?

PENELOPE I am the Artistic Producing Managing...

41.

STATIC I asked for your occupation, Ms. Pacemaker! What is it youdo to earn a living?

PENELOPE I don't see how that is relevant...

STATIC I will decide what's relevant, Ms. Pacemaker!

JUDGE Hey!

STATIC

(oops)THE JUDGE! The JUDGE will decide what's relevant, Ms.Pacemaker! So, tell us...when you're not artisticallyproducing and managing the Mill City Players, what exactly isit you do?

PENELOPE (beat)I am employed at the Riverbelly Bowladrome.

STATIC What was the name of the bowladrome again, Ms. Pacemaker?

PENELOPE (deeply embarrassed)Riverbelly. Riverbelly!

STATIC And what is your position there?

PENELOPE I am an assistant manager!

STATIC Oh! I see! And just...what kind of assistant manager areyou? What is your responsibility? The books? The coffee shop? The bowling balls? Tell us, Ms. Pacemaker. What exactly are you in charge of?

PENELOPE (beat, then extremely quickly)Sprayingtheshoes.

STATIC Would you speak up a bit, Ms. Pacemaker?

PENELOPE (same deal)Sprayingtheshoes.Ispraytheshoes.

42.

STATIC Again, please, Ms. Pacemaker?

PENELOPE I SPRAY THE FREAKIN' BOWLING SHOES! ALL RIGHT! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT TO KNOW? AFTER THE PEOPLE PERSPIRE THEIR TOOTSIES OFF IN THE SHOES, I SPRAY THE SHOES AND PUT THEM BACK INTHEIR LITTLE...SHOE SLOTS!!!

STATIC I see. May I assume, then, that you are embarrassed by whatyou do to earn a living, and that you lied in order to plantyourself in the center of this trial, to prove to the worldthat you are a person of worth?

PENELOPE I do not need to lie to prove that! I tell the truth at all times! And I am telling the truth when I tell you I believeI saw Arnold Meddle drop that sandbag on his wife!

Silence.

CLING The Commonwealth rests, Your Honor.

JUDGE

(as Penelope steps down)Good move. Got old Static there running like a rabbit.Static? Ready to proceed with the Defense case?

STATIC Uh...in a minute, Your Honor. I'd like to have a word with my client.

ARNOLD Oh, really? Now you want to have a word with me? You practically sign my death certificate with your crossexamination of Penny Puckymucky, there...and now you want totalk to me?

STATIC Arnold, we're in trouble.

ARNOLD Oh, why don't you tell the whole world? Hey, somebody callCNN, Static thinks we're in trouble! I'm not sure Bill O'Reilly heard you, speak up, why don't you?

STATIC (to Judge)I'd like a recess, Your Honor.

43.

ARNOLD Don't give it to him, Judge.

(to Static)Go on! Call your witnesses! Get it over with. We're screwed anyway!

STATIC (gathering himself)Uh...The Defense calls...Mrs. Harriet Meddle!

ARNOLD You're starting with my mother! Good God... (rises, holds out wrist toguard)Here. Cuff me. Take me away.

STATIC We need her! As a character witness!

ARNOLD Oh, she's a character, all right.

BAILIFF Mrs. Harriet Meddle!

HARRIET approaches the stand.

BAILIFF (cont'd)Raise your right hand. Do you swear to tell...

HARRIET ...the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, so helpme God? Yeah. I know the drill. Take a seat. Thank you, Iwill.

(she does)

BAILIFF State your name.

HARRIET Harriet Beecher Meddle.

JUDGE Mr. Static...

STATIC

(approaching stand)Mrs. Meddle, would you tell the court your relationship withthe Defendant, Arnold Meddle?

HARRIET He's my son.

44.

STATIC You are his mother.

HARRIET That's the way it works, Sherlock.

STATIC And would you say, Mrs. Meddle, that Arnold is a good son?

HARRIET Absolutely. A great kid. A weird kid, but a great kid.

STATIC Mrs. Meddle...in all the time you have known Arnold--which ishis entire life...

HARRIET You went to school for this, I bet.

STATIC In all that time--have you ever known him to physically harmanother human being?

HARRIET Nope.

STATIC That's a no, then?

HARRIET You got it, Einstein. My Arnold never hurt a fly.

STATIC So you don't believe, then, that Arnold Meddle is a murderer?

HARRIET No chance. It's entirely possible he's bored more than a fewpeople to death, but murder somebody? Never.

STATIC (to Cling)Your witness.

HARRIET 'Course that fatheaded witch he married, now there's somebodyanybody could murder.

STATIC (loudly, trying to cover)YOUR WITNESS!

45.

CLING

(approaching stand)Mrs. Meddle, when you say Arnold is weird...are you referringto his burying dead pets in your backyard?

HARRIET Well, that might be a little weird, but that's nothingcompared to a couple other nutball activities he had as akid.

ARNOLD Oh, God...

CLING Such as...

HARRIET Such as his collection of dead costumed frogs.

STATIC Oh, God...

HARRIET Yeah, he'd catch these big old frogs out in the pond out backand he'd pith 'em and dip 'em in a jar of formaldehyde, andwhen they got all good and stiff, he'd dress 'em up aspopular TV stars of the day...

ARNOLD (apologetically, to jury)A boy needs a hobby...

HARRIET I went along with it for a while, 'cause I figured it kepthim off the streets. Finally, though, I had to call a haltto the whole thing.

CLING And why was that?

HARRIET One time, he froze up a couple of croakers, dressed 'em uplike the Professor and Mary Ann and put 'em in a compromisingposition on the mantlepiece. Not good for the neighbors tosee that kind of stuff, you know. 'Course that was nothin' compared to his Cockroach Trailer Park.

CLING His...what?

HARRIET Oh, yeah, that was wild. You know those roach motels where the little roaches crawl inside and get their little feetiesstuck? Well, Arnold had gone out and bought a whole fleet of

46.

HARRIET (cont'd)those things, painted 'em all like little Winnebagos, and setup a Cockroach Trailer Park.

CLING I...think I'm through with this...character witness, YourHonor!

HARRIET Now, don't get me wrong! My Arnold is a good boy! He's justa little fruity.

JUDGE That will be all, Mrs. Meddle. Step down.

Harriet moves toward Ella.

ELLA Mrs. Meddle, you're on Court TV!

HARRIET You're kiddin' me! If I'da known I'da put on deodorant.

FATHERS Mrs. Meddle, if I had a mother like you, I'd move to a hotel.

HARRIET If I had a kid like you, I'd drive you there.

XENA (showing check)Look what your son gave me!

HARRIET Ha! For Christmas, he gives me scratch tickets.

MARY You're the worst mother in the history of the world.

HARRIET I got a trophy at home says that very thing.

GINA (smiling)You remind me of my mom!

I'm outa here! (she leaves)

JUDGE Mr. Static? Who's next?

47.

ARNOLD (to Static, who has his head inhis hands)Yeah, I can't wait.

STATIC (raising his head)Dora Glockamorra.

BAILIFF Dora Glockamorra!

DORA approaches the stand.

BAILIFF (cont'd)

(continued)Raise your hand. Do you swear to tell the truth, the wholetruth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

DORA I do.

BAILIFF State your name.

DORA Dora Glockamorra.

STATIC (approaching)Ms. Glockamorra. How are things this fine day?

DORA Oh, I just can't believe someone as sweet and gentle as Mr.Meddle is accused of such a terrible crime.

STATIC And how do you know Mr. Meddle?

DORA I know him only as a friend. I've seen him at the theatre with Amelia. I played "Irene" in HELLO DOLLY.

STATIC Irene Molloy, the statuesque beauty who plans to wear ribbonsdown her back?

DORA This summer, yes.

STATIC And in your capacity as actress playing Irene Molloy, youcame in contact with my client?

48.

DORA I did.

STATIC And what kind of man did you find him to be?

DORA I found him to be a wonderful man. A man's man. A woman's man. The kind of man men want to be. The kind of man men who want to be men emulate....when they want to be...men's men.

STATIC And what makes you characterize my client in this fashion,Miss Glockamorra?

DORA I would watch him as he sat in the theatre waiting nightlyfor Amelia to finish rehearsing. He would sit there, and nomatter how bad Amelia would be, no matter how many lines sheblew or musical notes she destroyed, never once did hegrimace or react in a negative fashion. I thought that tookenormous self control.

ARNOLD (aside, to Jury)What it took was ear plugs...

DORA He struck me as a nice man. A very nice man. A man who loved his wife, and would never lift a hand to harm her. Or anyone. For that matter. Ever. Ever ever.

STATIC (to Cling; smugly)Take a crack at this one!

CLING Ms. Glockamorra...if you were to name one person who meantmore to you than anybody else--who would that person be?

DORA Well...my Daddy, of course.

CLING Of course. And why is that?

DORA That is because my Daddy was the nicest, sweetest, mostbeautiful man who ever walked the face of the Earth.

CLING "Was?" Did you say "was" the nicest man, Ms. Glockamorra?

49.

DORA (choking back a tear)Yes.

CLING Because your Daddy is a dead Daddy, isn't he, Ms.Glockamorra?

DORA Don't...please don't say that...

CLING And when you encounter any man over fifty these days, Ms.Glockamorra, you immediately attribute your Daddy's nicenessto him, do you not?

DORA Well, what's wrong with that? My Daddy went away! I need myDaddy! I loved my Daddy! Mr. Meddle reminds me SO MUCH of my Daddy! I wish you people would just leave my Daddy alone!I mean, Mr. Meddle! Leave Mr. Meddle alone! He is so nice! He is so much like...

CLING I'm finished with this witness, Your Honor!

Dora runs weeping to Ella.

FATHERS We have a weeper!

XENA Give her some room!

ELLA Sit here!

MARY What a baby!

ELLA Can I get you anything?

FATHERS She needs a shrink.

MARY She needs a bucket.

XENA (check again)I can buy her a bucket!

50.

GINA We could hang out!

Dora wails loudly and runs off.

ARNOLD (to Static)You really know how to pick 'em, don't you?

STATIC Your Honor, I object!

JUDGE What now?

STATIC My client is badgering me!

ARNOLD All right. That's it. You're fired! Your Honor, I wouldlike to represent myself from this point forward!

STATIC Arnold, I strongly recommend you reconsider...

ARNOLD And I strongly recommend you take up another profession.There's always room in the food service industry. Let's practice. Repeat after me: "You want fries with that?"

STATIC Your Honor, this is a travesty!

JUDGE So it fits right in with everything else that's going on!Static--wave your little hand and whisper so long, courtroom!

STATIC (stepping away; to Arnold)You're in big trouble now, buster!

ARNOLD (as Static slithers out of thecourtroom)Yeah, and your little dog, too!(to Jury)I don't know what that means, it just...

JUDGE Meddle! Call your next witness!

ARNOLD Will do! Let's get right to the nitty gritty. I call ByronShelley!

51.

BAILIFF Byron Shelley!

SHELLEY approaches. He removes a handkerchief from his pocket, and dustsoff the chair before he turns to take

the oath.

BAILIFF (cont'd)(continued)Right hand. Do you swear to tell the truth...

SHELLEY (interrupts vigorously)I SWEAR TO TELL THE TRUTH!

BAILIFF ...the whole truth...

SHELLEY THE ENTIRE TRUTH!

BAILIFF ...and nothing but the truth...

SHELLEY THE TRUTH AT ITS CORE, UNBLEMISHED AND UNFETTERED!

BAILIFF ...so help you God?

SHELLEY SO HELP ME, GUIDE ME, AND STRENGHTEN ME...GOD!

ARNOLD (to Jury)Can you believe this idiot?

BAILIFF State your name.

SHELLEY BYRON SHELLEY!

BAILIFF Park it.

Byron sits. Arnold approaches.

ARNOLD So, Byron. You miss the clicker?

SHELLEY Pardon me?

52.

ARNOLD The remote control for the TV? You miss it now that you gaveit to the little woman?

SHELLEY I fail to see the pertinence of your question.

ARNOLD Tell me, Byron, when the urge hit you to get away from MYwife's constant moaning and groaning, what did you do aboutit?

SHELLEY I have no idea what you're talking about!

ARNOLD I'm talking about having your fill of Amelia Meddle, and thendropping a sandbag on her from the stage left flyspace!

SHELLEY That's absurd! I was onstage during the number!

ARNOLD You were onstage for PART of the number. But I know youwould occasionally sneak offstage during the number to sneaka butt--and I don't mean a cigarette!

SHELLEY (cont'd)What are you implying?

ARNOLD I'm implying that on the night of January 16th, during therousing "So Long, Dearie" number, you crept offstage, pincheda couple of geriatric chorus girls, crawled up into theflyspace and dropped the sandbag on Amelia to stop herwhining, and to go back to your clicker!

SHELLEY I wouldn't know how to find my way to the flyspace! Why, Isaid to Gus, the lovable doorman, just before the rousing "SoLong, Dearie" number that night, I said, "Gus, it's a damngood thing they don't have a lummox like me working backstageon this complicated show!"

ARNOLD (beat)I see.

BAILIFF What do you see?

ARNOLD Nothing. No further questions, Your Honor.

53.

SHELLEY I demand to know what it is he thinks he sees!

JUDGE Ms. Cling! Your witness!

CLING No questions. The Prosecution remains completely at rest!

JUDGE Meddle?

ARNOLD I reserve the right to re-call this witness, Your Honor! I don't think he's giving us the straight poop.

SHELLEY I resent that! If nothing else, I am full of the straightpoop!

JUDGE Step down! But don't leave the courtroom! Next witness,Meddle!

ARNOLD Call Gus Swenson, the lovable doorman for the Mill CityPlayers!

BAILIFF Gus Swenson, the lovable doorman for the Mill City Players!

GUS rises slowly and slowly approachesthe stand. He will never see 90 again.He takes FOREVER to reach the stand. Everybody watches, first with patience,then with growing impatience. He has to stop a couple of times for abreather. At one point, he stops,teeters, almost falls over. Everybodyleans in to help him, but he rightshimself at the last moment, andcontinues on. Finally, he gets to thestand. He is exhausted.

BAILIFF (cont'd)Raise your right hand.

GUS You got that kind of time?

BAILIFF Forget it. Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth,and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

54.

GUS I have no idea.

BAILIFF Give it your best. Have a seat.

GUS (sitting, very, very slowly; tothe court)Talk among yourselves.(finally, he sits)

BAILIFF State your name.

GUS (long beat)I heard somebody say it a minute ago.(beat)Gimme a hint.

BAILIFF Your Honor?

GUS

(guessing)"Your Honor?" "Your Honor?" That doesn't sound right. "YourHonor?"

JUDGE (yells)Your name is GUS SWENSON!

GUS Is it? (indicates Bailiff)Well, tell her, she's the one who wants to know.

JUDGE Meddle...

ARNOLD (approaching)Hello, Gus.

GUS Mr. Meddle! What're you doin' here?

ARNOLD I'm on trial for murder, Gus. They think I killed Amelia.

GUS Oh. Did ya?

55.

ARNOLD Absolutely not.

GUS Too bad. She was about the worst actress I ever saw. (cackles)

ARNOLD Well, somebody did kill her, Gus. It just wasn't me.

GUS Oh. So it's kinda like good news, bad news.

ARNOLD Uh...yeah. Gus...did you hear Penelope Pacemaker's testimonythat on the closing night of HELLO DOLLY, she sent you homeand impersonated you at the stage door?

GUS When did she say that?

ARNOLD About five minutes ago.

GUS Nope. Way beyond the short term memory span for me.

ARNOLD All right, then...how's your long term memory?

GUS I forget. Try me.

ARNOLD Well...do you remember that night? The closing night ofHELLO DOLLY? The night of January 16th?

GUS Wait a minute! It's coming back to me! That was the night...that was the night something interesting happenedonstage!

ARNOLD Yes?

GUS I remember because up until that night, nothing interestingever happened onstage.

ARNOLD Go on.

GUS Something about...a sandbag. A sandbag fallin'...

56.

ARNOLD You remember that?

GUS Oh, yes! Yes, I do!

ARNOLD If you were there, then, Gus...you would remember PenelopePacemaker asking you to leave so that she could impersonate you.

GUS I suppose I would.

ARNOLD And you don't remember that happening, do you?

GUS Nope. Never happened.

ARNOLD So you're saying that Penelope Pacemaker is a liar!

GUS Am I?

ARNOLD Yes, you are!

GUS And I don't even know if I'm wearin' pants!

ARNOLD (to Cling)Your witness!

CLING (approaching)State your name again, please.

GUS

(beat)Oh...wait...somebody around here knows it...Some scary-lookin' lady in a big, black gown.

JUDGE Mr. Swenson!

GUS That's it!

CLING Mr. Swenson, when was the last time you spoke with ArnoldMeddle?

57.

GUS Oh. Jeez, I don't know. I try to stay away from him. Never know when he's gonna throw me in a box and stuff me in theground.

CLING Mr. Swenson...what if I told you that you spoke with Mr.Meddle not two minutes ago right here in this courtroom?

GUS And I didn't run and hide?

CLING No, sir. In fact, you told him you thought PenelopePacemaker was a liar.

GUS No kiddin'.

CLING No kidding, sir.

GUS (beat)Who's Penelope Pacemaker?

CLING No further questions, Your Honor.

JUDGE Court TV people! Help him outa here!

The Court TV panel carries Gus off.

GUS (as he is lifted offstage)Hey, there, girls! Ha! I had a dream about this last night!(he is gone)

JUDGE Whatdya say, Meddle? Wanna cash in? Looks to me like yourcase is shaky as a Jello casserole.

ARNOLD Well, maybe that's what it looks like to you, but that's notwhat it looks like to me. Re-call Byron Shelley!

BAILIFF Re-call Byron Shelley!

Byron, approaching, speaks in an asideto Arnold.

58.

SHELLEY I hope you know what you're doing, Meddle!

ARNOLD A lawyer always knows what he's doing!

SHELLEY You're an undertaker!

ARNOLD Don't try to confuse me! It won't work! Take the stand!

Byron does, but before he sits...

JUDGE Mr. Shelley, you are under oath, remember.

SHELLEY Of course I remember I'm under oath. Do I look like an idiot to you?

JUDGE Oh, I bet it's not just me.

(to ALL)How many people in the courtroom think Mr. Shelley looks likean idiot?

Everybody, including Arnold, raises hisor her hand. If we're lucky, so domost of the Jurors. Byron huffs andsits down. Arnold approaches him.

ARNOLD Mr. Shelley, when I told the court you were telling thetruth, I wasn't telling the truth. The truth would have been that you were telling the partial truth. But the truth is,the truth you were not telling was far less important thanthe partial truth you were.

Everybody in the entire courtroom-Judge, Bailiff, Cling--EVERYBODY-says...

EVERYBODY HUH?

ARNOLD Never mind. Byron...did you or did you not tell this courtthat you spoke with Gus, the lovable doorman, seconds beforeyou went onstage for the rousing "So Long, Dearie" number onthe night of January 16th?

SHELLEY Oh, my God, did I say that?

59.

ARNOLD Yes, Byron, you did.

SHELLEY What an idiot.

EVERYBODY SEE?

ARNOLD Penelope Pacemaker testified earlier that on that night shehad sent Gus away and assumed his identity...

SHELLEY Yes. Oh, God...

ARNOLD And you realize that my inept questioning of Gus proved thatPenelope was telling the truth...

SHELLEY I remember your inept questioning, of course.

ARNOLD And we all know that when you spoke with Gus before goingonstage that night, you were, in fact, speaking with PenelopePacemaker.

SHELLEY Penelope is a brilliant actor! I believed I was talking toGus!

ARNOLD Isn't it accurate to say, Mr. Shelley, that you know Gus wasPenelope, and vice versa, and didn't expect to be shooedaway...because the two of you were in...CAHOOTS!

JUDGE Gesundheit!

ARNOLD No, Your Honor--cahoots! Shelley and Penelope were in thethroes of an affair, and plotted to kill my wife!

(to court)You may gasp!

SHELLEY That is balderdash!

ARNOLD It is ABSOLUTELY balderdash--but if it creates a reasonable doubt...

60.

SHELLEY Yes, I knew I was talking to Penelope! How anybody couldmistake her for lovable, scrawny Gus is laughable. My God,look at the caboose on her! And, yes we had been having anaffair. But I was going back to my wife, and my clicker.Penelope refused to give me up. Any little issue would leadto an argument. That night, it was a tiny blocking change shewanted me to make in the "Dearie" number. I told her I would do it, but I did not! Penelope wanted to control me, but Iwouldn't let her!

ARNOLD (beat)A blocking change?

SHELLEY Yes. She wanted me and Amelia to switch places near the endof the song.

ARNOLD You mean--she asked you to move...stage left?

SHELLEY Yes. Are you deaf, man? Yes!

ARNOLD During the rousing "So Long, Dearie" number?

SHELLEY Yes! For God's sake, Meddle, why don't you just....(a thought strikes him)Good God!

ARNOLD Indeed, Byron! Indeed! (yells)Re-call Penelope Pacemaker!

BAILIFF Penelope Pacemaker!

Penelope, looking frightened, re-takesthe stand.

PENELOPE I don't know what your game is, Arnold, but whatever it is,I'll be able to play it far better than you!

ARNOLD True or false, Penelope--you were having a torrid affair withByron Shelley subsequent to his liaison with my dead wife.

61.

PENELOPE I was lonely. I was weak. I had sniffed far too manybowling shoes. I was vulnerable. He took advantage of me.

ARNOLD And after he took advantage of you, he dumped you, did henot?

PENELOPE Yes. After I had coddled him throughout the rehearsalperiod, he tells me it's over. He is the definition of swine.

ARNOLD And what about that blocking change, Penelope?

PENELOPE He's lying.

ARNOLD Is he? What purpose would he have to invent such a thing?

PENELOPE Who knows? He's an idiot. Everybody knows that.

All agree.

ARNOLD It occurs to me, Miss Pacemaker, that near the end of therousing "So Long, Dearie" number, Amelia was blocked to singstage left.

PENELOPE What is your point?

ARNOLD My point is, if Byron, the man who had just dumped you, ifthis man had done what you had asked and changed hisblocking, then...

CLING I OBJECT!

JUDGE Well, it's about freaking time!

CLING Mr. Meddle is running hog wild on a wild goose chase!

ARNOLD Oh, I'm wild, Your Honor, but hogs and geese have nothing todo with it!

(in Penelope's face)J'accuse! J'accuse, Penelope Pacemaker! J'accuse you of the

62.

ARNOLD (cont'd)inadvertent death of my wife in your botched attempt tomurder Byron Shelley!

PENELOPE That is a bald-faced lie! I saw YOU in the flyspace!

ARNOLD You saw diddly-squat in the flyspace, because YOU were in theflyspace! You had motive, opportunity, and the stagecraftexpertise to pull it off! J'accuse! And J'rest my case!

JUDGE Cool. Ms. Cling? Anything further to add to this circus?

CLING I won't dignify Mr. Meddle's ravings with my participation.The Commonwealth rests as well!

JUDGE That's what I wanted to hear! All right, folks, time foryour summations. I'll give you two minutes to gather yourthoughts!

Lights up on Ella and the Panel.

ELLA The tension is unbearable as the lawyers prepare theirsummations. Is Arnold Meddle guilty or not guilty. Let's poll our panel. Dr. Fathers?

FATHERS He may be guilty. He may be innocent. At this point, itdoesn't matter. One way or the other, he deserves to bepunished to the full extent of the law just for being who heis. In fact, I think he'd be extremely lucky if he findshimself convicted of Murder in the First Degree. Now that I've been introduced to all the people in Arnold Meddle'slife, it's abundantly clear to me that he would be better offdead.

ELLA Dead?

FATHERS As the proverbial doornail.

ELLA Dr. Phobic, your opinion?

XENA I was just wondering if it would be okay to leave a littleearly.

63.

ELLA And why would you like to leave early?

XENA Well, I'd kinda like to get this check cashed before theverdict is announced.

ELLA So you, too, think Arnold is guilty.

XENA I have no idea. I haven't really been listening. But if he is convicted, I wanna make sure this little baby doesn'tbounce. Can I go?

ELLA No.

XENA Heck!

ELLA Mary? What do you think?

MARY You wanna know what I think? I think everybody in thiscourtroom, including you and the judge, is guilty of rankstupidity.

GINA How about me? What do you think of me?

MARY I think you are vapid and intellectually bankrupt.

GINA (cheerfully)Thanks!

ELLA I think the judge is ready to proceed!

JUDGE Let's get to the summations! Cling--you're up first!

Cling approaches the jury. She stops,takes a deep breath, then, to the samejuror she attacked earlier...

CLING I REALLY love that cologne!

JUDGE CLING!

64.

CLING

Sorry. Sorry.

(clears throat)Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, surely you can see thatthis man, Arnold Meddle, has simply attempted to blind you bydefending himself, trying to gain your sympathy. Clearly youcan see that this is a man who is showing no remorse over thedeath of his wife, who in his own words found the womanrepulsive, whose own mother verified the fact that AmeliaMeddle was a curse on Arnold Meddle's life. We have provenhe was backstage on the night of January 16th, roaming aroundaimlessly, waiting for his opportunity to strike. And strike, he did, ladies and gentlemen. Strike, he did.Arnold Meddle is your murderer. Your decision has been made for you. You're welcome. Thank you.

(steps away; stops; then, tothe same guy)I'll be in the lobby afterwards, and...

JUDGE CLING!!

CLING Sorry. Sorry.(she sits)

JUDGE Meddle! Your summation.

ARNOLD

(approaches the jury)Well, I mean, come on! I mean, do I have to spell it out foryou? Penelope Pacemaker reblocked the scene in HELLO DOLLYso that she could dump the sandbag on Byron! Byron disobeyedher orders, and my wife got crushed instead. I mean, you'dhave to be a bunch of deadhead nincompoops to not see thatPenelope is the murderer. Is that what you are? Are you abunch of lamebrained losers? Is that how you want to go toyour grave? Remembered as the stupid jury who convicted thewrong man in the Meddle case?

(steps away)Oh, by the way, when in fact you DO go to your grave, don'tforget the Meddle Mortuary, 552-664...!

JUDGE SIT DOWN, MEDDLE!

ARNOLD Absolutely. (he does)

JUDGE (to jury)Well...Members of the jury...your time has come. And since

65.

JUDGE (cont'd)I'm as sick and disgusted at this lunatic festival as youare, I'm not going to drag out these proceedings any longerthan is necessary. So, I'm going to allow you to vote onyour verdict right here and right now without deliberation.I'll give you fifteen seconds to consider your verdict.

Music plays while they think.

ARNOLD

(as music plays)Your Honor, I may have been a little hard on the jurors, doyou think I could speak to them again, I...

JUDGE Too late, Meddle! Your fate is in their hands! (to jurors)This is just like MATLOCK, isn't it?

(music ends)All right! Jurors, your verdict! If you think Mr. Meddle isguilty, raise your hands!

(assesses hands raised)If you think he is not guilty, raise your hands!

IF THE VERDICT IS "GUILTY," THEFOLLOWING SCENE OCCURS:

JUDGE (cont'd)Meddle! On your feet!(Arnold rises)Arnold Meddle, the Jury has found you Guilty As Charged!

ARNOLD No way!

JUDGE As is my prerogative, I sentence you to Life in prisonwithout the possibility of parole! Guard! Take him away!

ARNOLD (as the Guard drags him off)Oh, what a gyp! Edwena! Edwena!

EDWENA Yes, Arnie!

ARNOLD Order more embalming fluid and water the acacias!

EDWENA Yes, my love!

66.

ARNOLD (as he's dragged by the Jury)You people are so wrong! May all your coffins leak!(he is gone)

JUDGE Members of the jury, you re dismissed! This case is closed!

The Judge slams the gavel.

ELLA A truly astonishing ending to this trial. I'd like to thank my panel...

PANEL Yo!

ELLA And I'd like to thank you! Goodnight from Court TV!