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This is the opening segment from FIVE NICKELS, a one act play that makes up the first act of a full
evening of theatre entitled FIVE NICKELS. Make sense?
FIVE NICKELS
This is the skeletal representation of
the foyer of a Catholic Church. There
is a standing pew rent box, centrally
located, and perhaps a chair or two, or
a bench. There is a scantily stocked
broom closet, which holds a stack of
collection plates. Perched somewhere is
a small portable radio. The room is
incidental to the people. An elaborate
design is not necessary. There are few
separate entrances to this place, a
couple from the church, one from the
outside, but they are used minimally,
and can be representational.
It is around 1990. It is 10:45 a.m. on
a Sunday morning in October. Ed
Maloney, 60, stands at the pew red box,
bending to remove a money pouch from
one of the drawers. He shakes the
pouch, places it on the rostrum. He
then removes a few coins from his
pocket, and tosses the coins into the
pouch with the rest of the change, one
at a time.
ED
Hmm...
He closes the pouch, ties it, and
exits, with some agitation, into the
church. As he does, Katharine Barber,
age 50, enters from a different church
door. She surveys the room a moment,
approaches the pew rent rostrum, and
inspects it. Ed re-enters from behind.
ED (CONT'D)
Hey!
CATHERINE
(turning to him, startled)
Holy ...
ED
Katie...
CATHERINE
(a very loud whisper; unable to
contain this)
Shit!
ED
Ssh! Ssh!
(looks back into the church)
CATHERINE
You scared the...daylights out of me, Ed!
ED
(still sweating)
Daylights is good. Daylights is OK. You can say daylights.
CATHERINE
You came from nowhere.
ED
I thought everybody was gone.
CATHERINE
I came out the other door. I finished a rosary after Mass.
ED
Always a good idea not to leave your beads dangling.
CATHERINE
Right.
ED
So to speak.
An awkward pause. Ed goes to the broom
closet, removes a broom, and absently
begins policing the area.
ED (CONT'D)
Excuse me.
CATHERINE
Am I in the way?
ED
Stay in one place. I'll sweep around you.
(he does)
CATHERINE
(after another beat)
Good sermon.
ED
Was it?
CATHERINE
You didn't hear it?
ED
Well, I listen to the sermon at the seven. Stay out here for
the rest of 'em. If I listen to more than one sermon a week,
I get to feelin'...
CATHERINE
What?
ED
I don't know...Protestant.
CATHERINE
Ah.
ED
Not much to listen to these days. For my money. The priests
now, they don't tell you what you should do and what you
shouldn't do. They tell you what you do and how come you do
it and why it's all right so long as you don't do it in front
of somebody else. McDermott's the only one who still has
something to say up there, but the young people don't pay any
attention to him. He had the seven today.
CATHERINE
Did he talk?
ED
Yes, he did.
CATHERINE
What about?
ED
(beat)
Jeez, I don't remember. But whatever it was, it had meat to
it, I'll tell you that. 'Scuse me.
(he points to where Catherine
is standing)
I can get that now.
CATHERINE
(moves)
Oh, sure.
(he sweeps the spot)
I was sorry to hear about Tommy.
ED
O'Connor. Yes. Yes. A good friend.
CATHERINE
How's he doing?
ED
Coming along, I guess. Can't tell with the ticker. It was a
big one. As big as...well, you know.
CATHERINE
I didn't know it was as bad as Charlie's.
ED
God rest 'im.
CATHERINE
(beat)
How's Mary?
ED
Fine. I imagine. Fine.
He takes another, larger bag out of the
pew rent box and empties the contents
of the pouch into it.
CATHERINE
I always liked Mary.
ED
(with inexplicable humor)
I always liked Mary, too.
(changing the subject)
Where's Mike today?
CATHERINE
Oh. He's home. Getting breakfast.
ED
He's generally with you.
CATHERINE
He was here yesterday. At the four. You know teenagers.
Get it over with. I'm lucky I can get him to church at all.
ED
Ah. I never go near the Saturday Masses.
CATHERINE
No?
ED
Goin' to Mass on Saturday is like takin' a shower instead of
a bath. You're gettin' rid of the same dirt, but you're
losin' it too fast. You need to soak in your own dirt as
long as you can so that when it's gone you won't be so quick
to jump back in the mud.
CATHERINE
A lot of people go to Mass on Saturday.
ED
There's a lot of muddy people in the world, Catherine.
CATHERINE
My husband didn't care much for the Saturday Masses, either.
ED
(a little uncomfortably)
No. No, he didn't.
CATHERINE
He did enjoy the occasional shower, though.
ED
(puts broom away)
Well, that's it. All through till the twelve.
CATHERINE
(beat)
Yes.
ED
(likewise)
Yes.
(beat)
Guess I'll be...goin' home. Sit for an hour.
CATHERINE
(a mild affirmation)
Hm. Hmm.
(beat)
Sit.
ED
Sit. Yes.
(beat)
For an hour.
(beat)
I gotta do the...usher...the twelve, too, you know.
CATHERINE
Oh, I know. I know.
(beat)
Well...
ED
(beat)
Somethin'...on your mind, Katie?
CATHERINE
(suddenly alert)
There! See!
ED
What?
CATHERINE
You did it again.
ED
What did I do again?
CATHERINE
You called me Katie.
ED
That's your name, isn't it?
CATHERINE
Everybody else in the world calls me Catherine. You call me
Katie.
ED
Ah...I didn't know it was an issue.
CATHERINE
Well...it's not an issue.
ED
Because I can call you Catherine.
CATHERINE
No, that's...
ED
One more syllable's not gonna kill me.
CATHERINE
(resolutely)
No. Call me Katie.
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